FROM FEAR TO...
I am currently conducting a workshop with nine brave souls, including mine! On the first night of the workshop I ask each of us a series of questions and we listen for the answer from the conscious mind, which is typically the one verbalized, and the answer from the sub or unconscious mind which (don’t laugh, at least too hard) I hear inside my head. The purpose of the exercise is to ascertain whether and where there might be a disconnection between the conscious and unconscious desires. It is important to know this because regardless of the conscious desire(s), the unconscious, which is exponentially more powerful, will always govern.
Two of the questions have to do with fears. The first is: are you willing to look at all of your fears? The second is: are you willing to let go of all your fears? Interestingly, I was and am willing to look at all my fears. When asked whether I am willing to let them go my clearly heard subconscious answer was “not a chance in hell!” Now, because I am “instructing” the class and because I have made a commitment to myself to go the distance in this lifetime I am, concomitantly, committed to understanding whence the reluctance! So, here goes...
I am getting into my body, which I realize I have been reluctant to do for days-and I am still fighting it. I am holding something (as yet undiscovered) in my sacral chakra-I can tell this because I am experiencing it as a void-as kind of a dead zone-which is unusual for me when I am truly present and not blocking or resisting something. I can see I’m going to have to go on a journey-which I will now-
Q. How is fear serving me? A. It is giving me the illusion of keeping me safe.
Q. Safe from what? A. Pain.
Q. What pain? A. The pain of loss.
Q. Loss of whom or what? A. Blank-I don’t know.
So, I went and sat, feeling into the place in my sacral area while looking for information and asking for clarity. Not much was forthcoming either as feeling or information so I regrouped and asked more questions.
Q. What do I “need” in and as Spirit? A. Growth
Q. What do I need as a human? A. Comfort
Q. Do I believe that those two needs are consistent and complimentary? A. No. (Interesting and revelatory answer!)
Q. As a human have I ever had a life with both growth and comfort? A. No.
This makes so much sense to me given that I know I have come to this life to have it all, to go the distance in both spiritual growth and human comfort (love, friendship, wealth, fun, gratitude, joy) and, of course, I did actually write a book called “Who Said It Has To Be Hard?”. So, I see my dilemma and my challenge AND, what has been the source of the disaffection I have been feeling for days (decades)-I want it all, let me repeat that; I WANT IT ALL, and I have not believed that it is humanly possible to HAVE IT ALL! I have believed that I can have Growth-which is absolutely vital to this existence or Wealth-which, being me is also pretty vital to this existence and for the past couple of years of intense growth I have sacrificed wealth. Wow. I’m just sitting here and taking all of this in, feeling it and incorporating it into my being. The FEAR has been that I have to make a choice between growth and wealth and I know that giving up on growth is not an option but giving up on wealth and comfort has been pretty freaking uncomfortable too. This is the life where I ask for it all, and am willing to receive it-gratefully and graciously- and I am just feeling that as a profound sense of grounding within my physical body-a feeling of gratitude that I always experience when I find or stumble upon a TRUTH.
I ask again: Am I willing to let go of all my fears and I hear “yes”. Am I willing to ask for growth and wealth, stupendous growth and great wealth-and the answer is not quite so unequivocal. So, am I willing to believe that I am worthy of both growth and wealth-“yes”-and that willingness is enough for this afternoon.
I’ll let you know how this goes...
From the willingness to feel worthy to have it all within me to the willingness to feel worthy to have it all within you...
To be continued...
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Chapter Thirty-four There Is Only Love
THERE IS ONLY LOVE
I had a shock recently, if something that my instincts already knew can really be described as a shock. Someone that I loved with all my heart had been lying to me. What made it worse was that I have known, in my heart, that I was being lied to and when having asked, several times, for the truth, was repeatedly told that my instincts were incorrect. Believe it, for someone who values her intuition as much as I value mine, this was torture.
In sitting with the pain both of the betrayal and the attempt to distance me from my knowing I have been taken very directly back to my childhood; to a time when I gave absolutely all of my heart and soul to my father who for reasons of his own was not able to see my love as the shining and incomparable gift it actually was.
I am writing about this today, after a fairly long absence, not because I want or need to share my pain; I realize there is plenty to go around right about now. No, I share this because in sitting with and honoring the pain I realized today that lo those many years ago I concluded and continuing on until this very day there lived in my body the belief that it was wrong to give all my love and all of myself when, in fact, it was right and perfect and could not have been any other way.
I know there is a veritable ton, in fact, one hundred million tons of pain that is being felt and lived today. Believe me, there are times when my body feels all of our pain so intensely it is almost unbearable. I know how you are feeling if you are reading these words and my heart goes out to you in friendship, kinship and in love. But for the part of you that is striving and learning and healing and wanting to wake up please know that we are never wrong to be in our hearts. We are never wrong to give all of ourselves and all of our love even if it would appear that it is not appreciated or recognized or cherished. There is only love; sometimes it is so incredibly intense that it feels like the most beautiful and profound pain. I know. And in these times we can ask for help, we can feel, we can breathe, we can remember and if at all possible we can have faith that love is the way through the pain-to the honoring of ourselves and to the beauty and joy that I know, in my heart, are our birthrights.
So to everyone and anyone who is cold or hungry or frightened or feels alone, hurt or unloved tonight-I love you and I am holding you in my heart as tenderly and dearly as I can right along with the parts of myself that are in pain and frightened as well.
Keep the faith...
To be continued...
I had a shock recently, if something that my instincts already knew can really be described as a shock. Someone that I loved with all my heart had been lying to me. What made it worse was that I have known, in my heart, that I was being lied to and when having asked, several times, for the truth, was repeatedly told that my instincts were incorrect. Believe it, for someone who values her intuition as much as I value mine, this was torture.
In sitting with the pain both of the betrayal and the attempt to distance me from my knowing I have been taken very directly back to my childhood; to a time when I gave absolutely all of my heart and soul to my father who for reasons of his own was not able to see my love as the shining and incomparable gift it actually was.
I am writing about this today, after a fairly long absence, not because I want or need to share my pain; I realize there is plenty to go around right about now. No, I share this because in sitting with and honoring the pain I realized today that lo those many years ago I concluded and continuing on until this very day there lived in my body the belief that it was wrong to give all my love and all of myself when, in fact, it was right and perfect and could not have been any other way.
I know there is a veritable ton, in fact, one hundred million tons of pain that is being felt and lived today. Believe me, there are times when my body feels all of our pain so intensely it is almost unbearable. I know how you are feeling if you are reading these words and my heart goes out to you in friendship, kinship and in love. But for the part of you that is striving and learning and healing and wanting to wake up please know that we are never wrong to be in our hearts. We are never wrong to give all of ourselves and all of our love even if it would appear that it is not appreciated or recognized or cherished. There is only love; sometimes it is so incredibly intense that it feels like the most beautiful and profound pain. I know. And in these times we can ask for help, we can feel, we can breathe, we can remember and if at all possible we can have faith that love is the way through the pain-to the honoring of ourselves and to the beauty and joy that I know, in my heart, are our birthrights.
So to everyone and anyone who is cold or hungry or frightened or feels alone, hurt or unloved tonight-I love you and I am holding you in my heart as tenderly and dearly as I can right along with the parts of myself that are in pain and frightened as well.
Keep the faith...
To be continued...
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Chapter Thirty-three Dear Johnathan
DEAR JOHNATHAN
Flying away from you today was one of the hardest things I will ever do. Fortunately the driver was a respectful man and just let me cry in silence. What is hard is how incredibly much I am going to miss you; how much I already miss you. What made it easier was how much faith I have in you and your abilities and how ready I know you are for this adventure. I realized today that this week in Hong Kong was difficult for me because I had my heart steeled against these feelings and when I am not in my heart these days I feel really disconnected from myself.
Because it may not have been obvious let me tell you what a joy it was to help you shop for things for your dorm room; to share in your life one more time. And now I will have a vision of you in your room, new linens on your bed, Chairman Mao on the wall. I have not been brave enough to go into your room in the house yet. I’ll get around to it sometime this week.
I am so incredibly proud of you and of the man you are becoming. Being your mother has been the highlight of my life. I have never done anything more challenging or more rewarding. I have loved you with my whole heart since the moment you were conceived; far earlier than I loved myself with my whole heart. It’s such a funny feeling, so happy/sad, so much love.
What I wish for you as you venture out on your own is that you find within and for yourself a love and an appreciation that will serve as a beacon, that will connect you with your heart and your integrity and your truest place of creation; that will allow you to know what is truly important to you regardless of whether or how it may be judged by others.
So thank you, sweetie, from the bottom of my heart, for the pleasure and the challenge of being your mother. I look forward to all the times to come. I wish you love. I wish you contentment. I wish you fun. I wish you excitement. I wish you the joy of learning. I wish you true friendship. I wish you the pleasure of knowing what I already know about you; that when you put your heart and mind into something there is nothing you cannot accomplish!
All my love,
Mom aka Leslie
Flying away from you today was one of the hardest things I will ever do. Fortunately the driver was a respectful man and just let me cry in silence. What is hard is how incredibly much I am going to miss you; how much I already miss you. What made it easier was how much faith I have in you and your abilities and how ready I know you are for this adventure. I realized today that this week in Hong Kong was difficult for me because I had my heart steeled against these feelings and when I am not in my heart these days I feel really disconnected from myself.
Because it may not have been obvious let me tell you what a joy it was to help you shop for things for your dorm room; to share in your life one more time. And now I will have a vision of you in your room, new linens on your bed, Chairman Mao on the wall. I have not been brave enough to go into your room in the house yet. I’ll get around to it sometime this week.
I am so incredibly proud of you and of the man you are becoming. Being your mother has been the highlight of my life. I have never done anything more challenging or more rewarding. I have loved you with my whole heart since the moment you were conceived; far earlier than I loved myself with my whole heart. It’s such a funny feeling, so happy/sad, so much love.
What I wish for you as you venture out on your own is that you find within and for yourself a love and an appreciation that will serve as a beacon, that will connect you with your heart and your integrity and your truest place of creation; that will allow you to know what is truly important to you regardless of whether or how it may be judged by others.
So thank you, sweetie, from the bottom of my heart, for the pleasure and the challenge of being your mother. I look forward to all the times to come. I wish you love. I wish you contentment. I wish you fun. I wish you excitement. I wish you the joy of learning. I wish you true friendship. I wish you the pleasure of knowing what I already know about you; that when you put your heart and mind into something there is nothing you cannot accomplish!
All my love,
Mom aka Leslie
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Chapter Thirty-two A Near Life Experience
A NEAR LIFE EXPERIENCE
I have talked about the gifted psychic who, when I was 49, correctly foretold my father’s death during my 54th year. I have also talked about how, during that same reading, she foretold of a near death experience I would have when I was 60. This really struck me as I turned 58 in October and I was thinking about it again today. This time, however, given the turn of events of my life, what really struck me was not so much that I might have a near death experience but how I have been living until very (VERY) recently, a Near Life Experience!
Most of my life has been lived (or not) based on a fear of appearing ridiculous and less than “perfect”. Since I learned at the ripe old age of seven that my father had not left my mother for me but, rather, for another “woman” I vowed to never be devastated or humiliated again. And I may not have been devastated or humiliated but I most definitely have been controlling, defensive, completely anal and most definitely not fully in my heart. I have stuffed all the best parts of me; my exuberance, my sense of whimsy, my loving and giving nature, my innocence, my very essence, into a ridiculously small and controlled box while watching vigilantly for any sign that I might be hurt or humiliated. How exhausting and, really, what a bore.
I will give myself some credit for the work I have done, the things I have allowed myself to feel and the determination I have to live as a conscious and loving being. But until my husband and I separated a few months ago I now see and, so, have to admit, how much of Me remained stuffed inside my temperature controlled and emotionally sterile box.
I was always a stubborn child and I see that has not changed much. It has actually taken the demise of a relationship where I completely deceived myself and much less successfully attempted to deceive my partner that I was fully available and “all in”, to realize that I was not “all” anything because the best parts of me were stuffed away and hiding out in a moldy old box. (Okay, Jewish Princesses don’t really have moldy old boxes, but you get my drift).
So, since the separation I have been a walking flood. I have given myself permission to come out of hiding. I have allowed myself to be and feel HEART BROKEN, knowing that heartbroken really only means making more space in my heart for love. If I am or appear ridiculous, that’s okay. My new favorite quote comes from, of all things, the film “Secretariat”; I am going to “run my race”. I’m not holding anything back anymore out of fear of appearing ridiculous or of being humiliated. I have realized that I can only be humiliated if I do that to myself and I no longer need to do that to myself.
No more boxes, no matter how stylishly decorated. No more near Life experiences. No more hiding out. No more partially run races. If I give my heart away (which I hope to do daily) and it is broken again, oh well! I know I’ll live. I’ll probably even flourish.
From the Full Life Experience Running Full Out that is me to the call of the race within you...
To be continued...
I have talked about the gifted psychic who, when I was 49, correctly foretold my father’s death during my 54th year. I have also talked about how, during that same reading, she foretold of a near death experience I would have when I was 60. This really struck me as I turned 58 in October and I was thinking about it again today. This time, however, given the turn of events of my life, what really struck me was not so much that I might have a near death experience but how I have been living until very (VERY) recently, a Near Life Experience!
Most of my life has been lived (or not) based on a fear of appearing ridiculous and less than “perfect”. Since I learned at the ripe old age of seven that my father had not left my mother for me but, rather, for another “woman” I vowed to never be devastated or humiliated again. And I may not have been devastated or humiliated but I most definitely have been controlling, defensive, completely anal and most definitely not fully in my heart. I have stuffed all the best parts of me; my exuberance, my sense of whimsy, my loving and giving nature, my innocence, my very essence, into a ridiculously small and controlled box while watching vigilantly for any sign that I might be hurt or humiliated. How exhausting and, really, what a bore.
I will give myself some credit for the work I have done, the things I have allowed myself to feel and the determination I have to live as a conscious and loving being. But until my husband and I separated a few months ago I now see and, so, have to admit, how much of Me remained stuffed inside my temperature controlled and emotionally sterile box.
I was always a stubborn child and I see that has not changed much. It has actually taken the demise of a relationship where I completely deceived myself and much less successfully attempted to deceive my partner that I was fully available and “all in”, to realize that I was not “all” anything because the best parts of me were stuffed away and hiding out in a moldy old box. (Okay, Jewish Princesses don’t really have moldy old boxes, but you get my drift).
So, since the separation I have been a walking flood. I have given myself permission to come out of hiding. I have allowed myself to be and feel HEART BROKEN, knowing that heartbroken really only means making more space in my heart for love. If I am or appear ridiculous, that’s okay. My new favorite quote comes from, of all things, the film “Secretariat”; I am going to “run my race”. I’m not holding anything back anymore out of fear of appearing ridiculous or of being humiliated. I have realized that I can only be humiliated if I do that to myself and I no longer need to do that to myself.
No more boxes, no matter how stylishly decorated. No more near Life experiences. No more hiding out. No more partially run races. If I give my heart away (which I hope to do daily) and it is broken again, oh well! I know I’ll live. I’ll probably even flourish.
From the Full Life Experience Running Full Out that is me to the call of the race within you...
To be continued...
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Chapter Thirty-one More Than Enough And Just The Beginning
MORE THAN ENOUGH
AND
JUST THE BEGINNING
It is an absolutely perfect day here in Mill Bay, British Columbia; kind of a lazy hazy sun, mid 70s, wonderful breeze. The view of Mill Bay from my home is gorgeous. This weekend has been magical. I spent three glorious hours kayaking with my friend Helen yesterday morning. We paddled over to the place where the Mill Bay Stream empties into the Pacific Ocean and which is reputed to be a sacred space. Eagles and herons flew back and forth, directly over us, across the Bay. Families of ducks swam before us, gulls dove, the water was perfect and we had this nature all to ourselves.
Today I spent time with my wonderful friend and mentor, Joe B. We laughed and talked and joked and planned and jointly created a vision of one of our new businesses.
This afternoon, in fact, now I am drinking a heavenly glass of organic Italian Primitivo and listening to my all time favourite disc, Keith Jarrett’s Concert at Koln. I started wishing for a moment that I had a special someone with whom to share this experience and then I realized that I do; ME!
This has been a revelatory week. I realized or decided or however it should be phrased (I’ve already had a glass of wine and I have no liver enzymes for these things) that I’m not going to PRETEND anymore. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know how to have a loving, reciprocal, fun, fabulous, sexy, rewarding and LASTING relationship with a MAN. When I made that commitment to myself or had that epiphany my entire being just settled into itself (it’s hard to explain in words) and it was like; Jeez, finally! I also realized that I’m not going to pretend any longer that I’m not going to be fabulously wealthy once again and that realization felt equally grounded, grounding and great.
There are so many things I am eager to do that will utilize my gifts and benefit mankind it’s not even funny and I actually need capital to do these things so I’m holding Source accountable to cough it up.
On the significant other front, from now on, BOYFRIEND, I realized this afternoon while drinking great wine and listening to great music ”ALONE” that, for now, ALONE is great. I can have a sexy, romantic, loving, fun and rewarding time with ME. And I’m more than fine with that. I actually love my own company. I’m smart and funny and I love to dance around the house all by myself. And I also, absolutely, positively, in my Heart and Soul KNOW, that this is just the beginning of the next part of my life. And I know that this next part, when the time is right, will definitely, absolutely, positively include a PARTNER with whom to share all I have learned and all I have yet to learn.
So, today is absolutely perfect and I know this is just the start of the perfection to come. I am humbly, giddily, ecstatically and eternally GRATEFUL.
From the perfection of ME to the perfection of YOU...
To be continued...
AND
JUST THE BEGINNING
It is an absolutely perfect day here in Mill Bay, British Columbia; kind of a lazy hazy sun, mid 70s, wonderful breeze. The view of Mill Bay from my home is gorgeous. This weekend has been magical. I spent three glorious hours kayaking with my friend Helen yesterday morning. We paddled over to the place where the Mill Bay Stream empties into the Pacific Ocean and which is reputed to be a sacred space. Eagles and herons flew back and forth, directly over us, across the Bay. Families of ducks swam before us, gulls dove, the water was perfect and we had this nature all to ourselves.
Today I spent time with my wonderful friend and mentor, Joe B. We laughed and talked and joked and planned and jointly created a vision of one of our new businesses.
This afternoon, in fact, now I am drinking a heavenly glass of organic Italian Primitivo and listening to my all time favourite disc, Keith Jarrett’s Concert at Koln. I started wishing for a moment that I had a special someone with whom to share this experience and then I realized that I do; ME!
This has been a revelatory week. I realized or decided or however it should be phrased (I’ve already had a glass of wine and I have no liver enzymes for these things) that I’m not going to PRETEND anymore. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know how to have a loving, reciprocal, fun, fabulous, sexy, rewarding and LASTING relationship with a MAN. When I made that commitment to myself or had that epiphany my entire being just settled into itself (it’s hard to explain in words) and it was like; Jeez, finally! I also realized that I’m not going to pretend any longer that I’m not going to be fabulously wealthy once again and that realization felt equally grounded, grounding and great.
There are so many things I am eager to do that will utilize my gifts and benefit mankind it’s not even funny and I actually need capital to do these things so I’m holding Source accountable to cough it up.
On the significant other front, from now on, BOYFRIEND, I realized this afternoon while drinking great wine and listening to great music ”ALONE” that, for now, ALONE is great. I can have a sexy, romantic, loving, fun and rewarding time with ME. And I’m more than fine with that. I actually love my own company. I’m smart and funny and I love to dance around the house all by myself. And I also, absolutely, positively, in my Heart and Soul KNOW, that this is just the beginning of the next part of my life. And I know that this next part, when the time is right, will definitely, absolutely, positively include a PARTNER with whom to share all I have learned and all I have yet to learn.
So, today is absolutely perfect and I know this is just the start of the perfection to come. I am humbly, giddily, ecstatically and eternally GRATEFUL.
From the perfection of ME to the perfection of YOU...
To be continued...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Chapter Thirty The End Of An Era
THE END OF AN ERA
My baby boy graduated from high school today. He is so excited about the next part of his life. I am happy for him and proud of him and, in my own way, equally excited about the next phase of his life. The phase where he goes out on his own and really begins to find himself , make his own choices, fine tune his character.
This is such a happy day and a poignant day, at least for me. I had Johnathan when I was 40. My parents, God bless them, had not made parenting appear to be a fun endeavor and I really could not figure out why anyone would want to have a child, much less, children. Fortunately, his father knew better than I did and convinced me that we should have a baby. In a moment of weakness I said “yes” and, literally, got pregnant that night. The rest is history. What I did not understand, but I thank my lucky stars I had the opportunity to learn, is how much it is possible to love another human being.
It is ironic to say that another person is my purpose in life; especially given my background as a lawyer and developer and, my current avocation as a life coach and energy healer. But, that’s the truth, Johnathan, raising him, watching over him, having fun with him, “guiding” him, has been my purpose for the past 18 ½ years and while he is only going off to Hong Kong, not leaving the planet, I am all too aware that my “purpose” is ending.
There have been so many times I have wanted to flush his head down the toilet, especially the past couple of years, that I did not realize (or have not allowed myself to feel) how dreadfully I will miss him.
So, my beautiful man, on the day of your first serious graduation, I wish you all the joy and excitement and love and abundance this world has to offer. I will always be here for you, no matter what. But I think it is time to take some of the energy and love I have put into you and give it to myself. It’s time to fully fuel the new purpose; the fully blown arrival of Me.
Love you sweetie...
To be continued...
My baby boy graduated from high school today. He is so excited about the next part of his life. I am happy for him and proud of him and, in my own way, equally excited about the next phase of his life. The phase where he goes out on his own and really begins to find himself , make his own choices, fine tune his character.
This is such a happy day and a poignant day, at least for me. I had Johnathan when I was 40. My parents, God bless them, had not made parenting appear to be a fun endeavor and I really could not figure out why anyone would want to have a child, much less, children. Fortunately, his father knew better than I did and convinced me that we should have a baby. In a moment of weakness I said “yes” and, literally, got pregnant that night. The rest is history. What I did not understand, but I thank my lucky stars I had the opportunity to learn, is how much it is possible to love another human being.
It is ironic to say that another person is my purpose in life; especially given my background as a lawyer and developer and, my current avocation as a life coach and energy healer. But, that’s the truth, Johnathan, raising him, watching over him, having fun with him, “guiding” him, has been my purpose for the past 18 ½ years and while he is only going off to Hong Kong, not leaving the planet, I am all too aware that my “purpose” is ending.
There have been so many times I have wanted to flush his head down the toilet, especially the past couple of years, that I did not realize (or have not allowed myself to feel) how dreadfully I will miss him.
So, my beautiful man, on the day of your first serious graduation, I wish you all the joy and excitement and love and abundance this world has to offer. I will always be here for you, no matter what. But I think it is time to take some of the energy and love I have put into you and give it to myself. It’s time to fully fuel the new purpose; the fully blown arrival of Me.
Love you sweetie...
To be continued...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Chapter Twenty-nine Why Am I A Warrior When It Comes To Men?
WHY AM I A WARRIOR WHEN IT COMES TO MEN?
Welcome to the $64,000 question of my life. It is my intention to understand the answer to this question by the end of this blog post. Whenever you are ready to stop laughing, please read on (wishing me luck would be helpful too).
Wow, while absolutely true, what I am about to say is very hard to write. Every relationship with a significant male in this lifetime has been a battleground. Every relationship in this lifetime with a man I loved or who loved me has been a battleground; starting with my Father and ending, I truly hope, with my current husband. Just writing this makes me feel so incredibly sad and very tired. It reminds me of the time, some six months after I had retired from my law practice, that I realized I had burned out as a lawyer because I had spent every day for the previous 14 years fighting for a living, often about things that were meaningful to my clients but not truly meaningful to me other than as an advocate or an ego.
Again, in truth, right this minute I feel as though this part of my life, my significant relationships with men, has been a horrible waste. And although the other part of me understands that lessons have been learned and that one is being learned as I type, I still just feel sad and empty.
So let’s just ask the question: what the hell have I been fighting for, or fighting against or trying so desperately to prove or protect? And here I need some help so I am asking for it. What the hell have I been trying to learn from all this war and mayhem?
I’m just going to make an effort to get back in my body (which I am “fighting” like crazy) and sit with this for a bit.
Interesting and complex: just like me! I check in with my sacral chakra where I have been conscious of holding something for at least a month. I see that I was “A CRUSADER FOR PEACE”; talk about an oxymoron! Yes, I was a Crusader for Peace, riding out and vanquishing all foes in the name of Peace; truly believing that Peace would prevail when all foes were vanquished. I believe I was doing this in the name of “God” as some religious zealot and I can see that my entire adult life was spent vanquishing, well, everyone. When I was finished vanquishing because we had pretty well devastated everything in our path I was an old man at the end of my life and I never had the opportunity to enjoy much less revel in the fruits of my crusading. I never had the joy of PEACE or quiet or calm or home or just BEING and I felt, for a moment, the anguish of the end of that lifetime having waged a lifelong battle for Peace only to arrive at the end of my life too old and battered and focused on zealotry to enjoy the “prize”. Wow. Double wow.
So what do this knowledge and the lesson inherent in it have to do with the significant men in my current lifetime? They have all been worthy opponents, able warriors in their own rights, indeed, each has possessed a zealotry of his own which he advocated with me; in some cases to his at least metaphoric demise. The absolutely amazing irony is that I have sought peace my entire life while running around the countryside (of two countries no less!) creating havoc. Holy crap, no wonder I’m tired!
I am a dichotomy. I have the Heart of a warrior wrapped in a Soul of peace and reason. I am asking for help to find space for ALL of me to peacefully co-exist. I would like to be done with battle. I would like to find a new way to get my kicks (sorry, bad pun). I think, but am not entirely sure, that I am ready to pass the mantle of Crusader on to someone else and take some time to JUST BE for a while.
This is big and there may be more information to come so for now I thank you for taking this journey with me and for bearing witness to my life.
From the prayer for Peace within me to the knowing of Peace within you.
To be continued...
Welcome to the $64,000 question of my life. It is my intention to understand the answer to this question by the end of this blog post. Whenever you are ready to stop laughing, please read on (wishing me luck would be helpful too).
Wow, while absolutely true, what I am about to say is very hard to write. Every relationship with a significant male in this lifetime has been a battleground. Every relationship in this lifetime with a man I loved or who loved me has been a battleground; starting with my Father and ending, I truly hope, with my current husband. Just writing this makes me feel so incredibly sad and very tired. It reminds me of the time, some six months after I had retired from my law practice, that I realized I had burned out as a lawyer because I had spent every day for the previous 14 years fighting for a living, often about things that were meaningful to my clients but not truly meaningful to me other than as an advocate or an ego.
Again, in truth, right this minute I feel as though this part of my life, my significant relationships with men, has been a horrible waste. And although the other part of me understands that lessons have been learned and that one is being learned as I type, I still just feel sad and empty.
So let’s just ask the question: what the hell have I been fighting for, or fighting against or trying so desperately to prove or protect? And here I need some help so I am asking for it. What the hell have I been trying to learn from all this war and mayhem?
I’m just going to make an effort to get back in my body (which I am “fighting” like crazy) and sit with this for a bit.
Interesting and complex: just like me! I check in with my sacral chakra where I have been conscious of holding something for at least a month. I see that I was “A CRUSADER FOR PEACE”; talk about an oxymoron! Yes, I was a Crusader for Peace, riding out and vanquishing all foes in the name of Peace; truly believing that Peace would prevail when all foes were vanquished. I believe I was doing this in the name of “God” as some religious zealot and I can see that my entire adult life was spent vanquishing, well, everyone. When I was finished vanquishing because we had pretty well devastated everything in our path I was an old man at the end of my life and I never had the opportunity to enjoy much less revel in the fruits of my crusading. I never had the joy of PEACE or quiet or calm or home or just BEING and I felt, for a moment, the anguish of the end of that lifetime having waged a lifelong battle for Peace only to arrive at the end of my life too old and battered and focused on zealotry to enjoy the “prize”. Wow. Double wow.
So what do this knowledge and the lesson inherent in it have to do with the significant men in my current lifetime? They have all been worthy opponents, able warriors in their own rights, indeed, each has possessed a zealotry of his own which he advocated with me; in some cases to his at least metaphoric demise. The absolutely amazing irony is that I have sought peace my entire life while running around the countryside (of two countries no less!) creating havoc. Holy crap, no wonder I’m tired!
I am a dichotomy. I have the Heart of a warrior wrapped in a Soul of peace and reason. I am asking for help to find space for ALL of me to peacefully co-exist. I would like to be done with battle. I would like to find a new way to get my kicks (sorry, bad pun). I think, but am not entirely sure, that I am ready to pass the mantle of Crusader on to someone else and take some time to JUST BE for a while.
This is big and there may be more information to come so for now I thank you for taking this journey with me and for bearing witness to my life.
From the prayer for Peace within me to the knowing of Peace within you.
To be continued...
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