AN ODE TO MY HEART
It has taken me a few days (and about 58 years) to know what I want to say in this Ode to my Heart. This will be a love song to my heart, my most ardent supporter.
My heart is a huge, in fact, unlimited, organ. Although I have feared it and feared that it would desert me, betray me or in some unnamed way let me down, it has beat steadily since the day of my birth and all the days of many other lives. I have reviled it, failed or refused to trust it, disregarded its most excellent and correct advice and, generally, taken it for granted. I have run from it fearing that it would be “broken” irrevocably failing to realize or understand that though it might hurt or even stop, it and all the love contained within it will never, can never, end.
Through the good times and bad it has been here with me and for me had I stopped for even a moment to find it, listen to it, trust it, appreciate it. Even now, as I sit here and write this it is asking me to “Let Go” to “Trust” understanding that the final inch compared to the miles we have traveled still feels like the Grand Canyon.
As I type I feel an intense pain in my heart and I say I am greedy and do not want to go yet but if it is time for me to go I am okay with it and I hear, clearly, “It is not time for you to go, it is time for you to LIVE!” I literally sob, “I don’t know how” which is the ultimate irony given all the living I have done in these 58 years. But the truth is still that I do not know how without being in control and I can no longer truly live and be in control. I ask for help. I cannot do this alone. None of us can. Nor do we have to.
I am frightened, on the brink, laughing, crying, shaking my head, having heart palpitations knowing that I just worked out for an hour without breaking a sweat; all at the same time. I realize I am doing this work not only for myself. I ask my heart, probably for the first time ever, how I can support it; like JFK: Ask not what your heart can do for you but what you can do for your heart. It tells me so simply and humbly that I feel truly ashamed, “Just Love Me”. It asks me in this sweet little voice: “just love me”. OMG, such a simple, humble yet profound request: “just love me”. It is what we all came here to feel. My heart is literally breaking right now, the pain making space for more room: “just love me”. I cradle my heart and myself in my arms, rocking as I would rock a child. “I do” I tell it. “I am sorry it has taken me so long to figure this out.” “I do.” “I do.” “I do.”
I have no strength, no fight, and no resistance left. I trust that this is part of a process but, honestly, I don’t have a clue. I am just a limp body with an aching heart.
I actually think that’s it for now. I hope to return and let you know what comes next.
From the heart of me...
To be continued, somewhere, somehow...
0 comments:
Post a Comment