IF IT LOOKS HARD AND PAINFUL
AND IT FEELS HARD AND PAINFUL
IT MUST BE AN OPPORTUNITY!
No shit! Okay, the truth is I was not so sanguine about this on Friday!
Any of you who have listened to me on News For The Soul or read my book know that the brave soul who is my husband has shown up, at least in part, to help me learn some lessons about relationships. Unfortunately for both of us I am extremely stubborn and, apparently, a very slow learner. As such, we have an extremely mercurial and stormy relationship. The good news is, I’m learning lots! And this weekend was no exception.
Half the time it is so ridiculous I don’t even remember what we are supposed to be fighting about. In all seriousness, I don’t usually care what we are supposed to be fighting about because I am aware that if we are fighting about anything it simply means I have something to look at and yet another pocket of “stuff” to clean out. One would think I would be fairly devoid of pockets by now. I know I have said this, more than once, but this weekend I believe I dove into the last (and most significant) one. I share this because I believe, at core, it is a pocket we all share and I hope that my experience in locating and starting to clean it out will be helpful and instructive.
Many of you may know that two and a half years ago I loaned a friend a substantial amount of money, unsecured, that was supposed to be repaid within a few months but has yet to be repaid. Since that time I have divested myself of all my former business interests and have been concentrating on my consulting/healing practice. I absolutely love this work. Let me say that another way. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS WORK. In fact, if it is “work” it has set a new standard for the word. I have never been happier in this lifetime. I have never felt more fulfilled or connected, to everyone and everything. I am incredibly grateful that I can do the thing I love, develop and use all my gifts, and be paid actual money for it!
Having said all of that, my income does not yet match my lifestyle. I am exceedingly good at living. I love beautiful things, good food and wine, travelling and treating the people I Iove. I have a gorgeous house filled with gorgeous things, lovely clothes, a shoe collection most women would die for and all the toys I desire. I have been princessized and I am not interested in compromising my lifestyle. In fact, I’ll go farther; I do not believe I have to compromise my lifestyle because I have chosen to pursue my passion as my “career”.
Honestly, for the past two years my “lifestyle” has been soundly and, for the most part, lovingly, subsidized by my husband. This situation has allowed me to learn to take from someone as opposed to always being the giver. It has allowed me to plumb the depths of my worthiness to receive. It has allowed me to look closely at my integrity, or lack thereof, during the times when I am taking from my husband but not giving of myself. If I am sounding cavalier about any of this, I really don’t mean to. All of these opportunities have been provided and I have been and continue to be grateful for them because I do recognize them to be opportunities for growth.
So, getting back to my story; this past weekend I was presented with a huge opportunity for growth when, in the midst of yet another tussle, my husband asked me, in all seriousness, how much it would take to get rid of me (I assumed he meant to buy me out of our house and not to hire a hit man to dispose of me in a more permanent manner). Now, my son is getting ready to go off to college; if I’m not living here I have no idea where I want or “need” to live and, of course, I’m not actually earning enough to support us.
To my credit I resisted the momentary urge to freak out and, instead, allowed myself to actually feel the fear. I also realized, I am sure with substantial help from my posse that my other lesson was to be totally, completely, 100% in my heart with Wes NO MATTER WHAT.
This is where you need to pay attention: our lesson is to be totally, completely, 100% in our hearts NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHOM.
I realized this past weekend that our place of being is 100% in our hearts no matter the circumstances and once I realized this I actually did it. I also realized that we do not have to love or even “like” someone in order to be 100% in our hearts with and for them. I was able to demonstrate for myself this weekend that I can be totally in my heart for another human being and I mean really be there and present for another human being with all my heart energy and love when that person is angry at me, wanting to leave me, saying “mean” things to and about me. I learned that it is possible to just be in my heart and present for another no matter what. You are probably getting the message that this understanding was a profound experience for me.
So, back to the fear, which, really, I think I had to sit in before I could just be in my heart. I felt the fear in my sacral area and I allowed all of it to just be there without talking myself out of it or pushing it away. I felt this overwhelming and almost paralyzing fear for my survival and my ability to provide for my son. When I had allowed the feeling to grow to its true size I took my consciousness inside the fear to see what was residing there. I saw myself in another life as a child. I was dirty and dressed in rags, alone and living on the street. Just thinking about it now as I am typing I am moved to tears by the smallness, quietness and aloneness of this me. And yet, because I can see her so clearly, there is something majestic, vulnerable but regal about this waif. She is alone and cold and dirty and hungry but somehow also self-possessed and as I look at her and merge with her she does not actually feel afraid. I sense in her a sense of wonder like confusion or lack of understanding as to how this came to be. I do not sense that she felt like a victim. I know she felt sad and alone but those are different feelings. There is an inner strength in this little girl, an acceptance of her circumstances that is in no way a capitulation but, more, a recognition. Yes, an acceptance that she is going to die, alone.
Sitting here now, seeing all of this unfold, because I did not see all of this when I looked this weekend, I have so much love and respect, yes respect, for this little girl and there is so much tenderness in my heart for her and her power I am almost blown away by it and by her. In this current life I have had so incredibly much more material wealth and comfort than this little girl but I have not had an iota of the internal strength or acceptance I see her demonstrate and I feel shamed and humbled by this.
And I see that given the incredible material comfort of this life I would never have been able to access this other piece if I had not created circumstances that allowed me to feel incapable of supporting myself and my son and I am grateful and overwhelmed at the same time.
I am going to sit with all of this for a bit but I thank you for the opportunity to share and I hope my journey will provide some guidance for any of you feeling the need.
From my humility amidst plenty to yours...
To be continued...
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