WHY AM I A WARRIOR WHEN IT COMES TO MEN?
Welcome to the $64,000 question of my life. It is my intention to understand the answer to this question by the end of this blog post. Whenever you are ready to stop laughing, please read on (wishing me luck would be helpful too).
Wow, while absolutely true, what I am about to say is very hard to write. Every relationship with a significant male in this lifetime has been a battleground. Every relationship in this lifetime with a man I loved or who loved me has been a battleground; starting with my Father and ending, I truly hope, with my current husband. Just writing this makes me feel so incredibly sad and very tired. It reminds me of the time, some six months after I had retired from my law practice, that I realized I had burned out as a lawyer because I had spent every day for the previous 14 years fighting for a living, often about things that were meaningful to my clients but not truly meaningful to me other than as an advocate or an ego.
Again, in truth, right this minute I feel as though this part of my life, my significant relationships with men, has been a horrible waste. And although the other part of me understands that lessons have been learned and that one is being learned as I type, I still just feel sad and empty.
So let’s just ask the question: what the hell have I been fighting for, or fighting against or trying so desperately to prove or protect? And here I need some help so I am asking for it. What the hell have I been trying to learn from all this war and mayhem?
I’m just going to make an effort to get back in my body (which I am “fighting” like crazy) and sit with this for a bit.
Interesting and complex: just like me! I check in with my sacral chakra where I have been conscious of holding something for at least a month. I see that I was “A CRUSADER FOR PEACE”; talk about an oxymoron! Yes, I was a Crusader for Peace, riding out and vanquishing all foes in the name of Peace; truly believing that Peace would prevail when all foes were vanquished. I believe I was doing this in the name of “God” as some religious zealot and I can see that my entire adult life was spent vanquishing, well, everyone. When I was finished vanquishing because we had pretty well devastated everything in our path I was an old man at the end of my life and I never had the opportunity to enjoy much less revel in the fruits of my crusading. I never had the joy of PEACE or quiet or calm or home or just BEING and I felt, for a moment, the anguish of the end of that lifetime having waged a lifelong battle for Peace only to arrive at the end of my life too old and battered and focused on zealotry to enjoy the “prize”. Wow. Double wow.
So what do this knowledge and the lesson inherent in it have to do with the significant men in my current lifetime? They have all been worthy opponents, able warriors in their own rights, indeed, each has possessed a zealotry of his own which he advocated with me; in some cases to his at least metaphoric demise. The absolutely amazing irony is that I have sought peace my entire life while running around the countryside (of two countries no less!) creating havoc. Holy crap, no wonder I’m tired!
I am a dichotomy. I have the Heart of a warrior wrapped in a Soul of peace and reason. I am asking for help to find space for ALL of me to peacefully co-exist. I would like to be done with battle. I would like to find a new way to get my kicks (sorry, bad pun). I think, but am not entirely sure, that I am ready to pass the mantle of Crusader on to someone else and take some time to JUST BE for a while.
This is big and there may be more information to come so for now I thank you for taking this journey with me and for bearing witness to my life.
From the prayer for Peace within me to the knowing of Peace within you.
To be continued...
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