Chapter Thirty-two A Near Life Experience

A NEAR LIFE EXPERIENCE

I have talked about the gifted psychic who, when I was 49, correctly foretold my father’s death during my 54th year. I have also talked about how, during that same reading, she foretold of a near death experience I would have when I was 60. This really struck me as I turned 58 in October and I was thinking about it again today. This time, however, given the turn of events of my life, what really struck me was not so much that I might have a near death experience but how I have been living until very (VERY) recently, a Near Life Experience!

Most of my life has been lived (or not) based on a fear of appearing ridiculous and less than “perfect”. Since I learned at the ripe old age of seven that my father had not left my mother for me but, rather, for another “woman” I vowed to never be devastated or humiliated again. And I may not have been devastated or humiliated but I most definitely have been controlling, defensive, completely anal and most definitely not fully in my heart. I have stuffed all the best parts of me; my exuberance, my sense of whimsy, my loving and giving nature, my innocence, my very essence, into a ridiculously small and controlled box while watching vigilantly for any sign that I might be hurt or humiliated. How exhausting and, really, what a bore.

I will give myself some credit for the work I have done, the things I have allowed myself to feel and the determination I have to live as a conscious and loving being. But until my husband and I separated a few months ago I now see and, so, have to admit, how much of Me remained stuffed inside my temperature controlled and emotionally sterile box.

I was always a stubborn child and I see that has not changed much. It has actually taken the demise of a relationship where I completely deceived myself and much less successfully attempted to deceive my partner that I was fully available and “all in”, to realize that I was not “all” anything because the best parts of me were stuffed away and hiding out in a moldy old box. (Okay, Jewish Princesses don’t really have moldy old boxes, but you get my drift).

So, since the separation I have been a walking flood. I have given myself permission to come out of hiding. I have allowed myself to be and feel HEART BROKEN, knowing that heartbroken really only means making more space in my heart for love. If I am or appear ridiculous, that’s okay. My new favorite quote comes from, of all things, the film “Secretariat”; I am going to “run my race”. I’m not holding anything back anymore out of fear of appearing ridiculous or of being humiliated. I have realized that I can only be humiliated if I do that to myself and I no longer need to do that to myself.

No more boxes, no matter how stylishly decorated. No more near Life experiences. No more hiding out. No more partially run races. If I give my heart away (which I hope to do daily) and it is broken again, oh well! I know I’ll live. I’ll probably even flourish.

From the Full Life Experience Running Full Out that is me to the call of the race within you...

To be continued...