Chapter Thirty-five From Fear To...

FROM FEAR TO...

I am currently conducting a workshop with nine brave souls, including mine! On the first night of the workshop I ask each of us a series of questions and we listen for the answer from the conscious mind, which is typically the one verbalized, and the answer from the sub or unconscious mind which (don’t laugh, at least too hard) I hear inside my head. The purpose of the exercise is to ascertain whether and where there might be a disconnection between the conscious and unconscious desires. It is important to know this because regardless of the conscious desire(s), the unconscious, which is exponentially more powerful, will always govern.

Two of the questions have to do with fears. The first is: are you willing to look at all of your fears? The second is: are you willing to let go of all your fears? Interestingly, I was and am willing to look at all my fears. When asked whether I am willing to let them go my clearly heard subconscious answer was “not a chance in hell!” Now, because I am “instructing” the class and because I have made a commitment to myself to go the distance in this lifetime I am, concomitantly, committed to understanding whence the reluctance! So, here goes...

I am getting into my body, which I realize I have been reluctant to do for days-and I am still fighting it. I am holding something (as yet undiscovered) in my sacral chakra-I can tell this because I am experiencing it as a void-as kind of a dead zone-which is unusual for me when I am truly present and not blocking or resisting something. I can see I’m going to have to go on a journey-which I will now-

Q. How is fear serving me? A. It is giving me the illusion of keeping me safe.

Q. Safe from what? A. Pain.

Q. What pain? A. The pain of loss.

Q. Loss of whom or what? A. Blank-I don’t know.

So, I went and sat, feeling into the place in my sacral area while looking for information and asking for clarity. Not much was forthcoming either as feeling or information so I regrouped and asked more questions.

Q. What do I “need” in and as Spirit? A. Growth

Q. What do I need as a human? A. Comfort

Q. Do I believe that those two needs are consistent and complimentary? A. No. (Interesting and revelatory answer!)

Q. As a human have I ever had a life with both growth and comfort? A. No.

This makes so much sense to me given that I know I have come to this life to have it all, to go the distance in both spiritual growth and human comfort (love, friendship, wealth, fun, gratitude, joy) and, of course, I did actually write a book called “Who Said It Has To Be Hard?”. So, I see my dilemma and my challenge AND, what has been the source of the disaffection I have been feeling for days (decades)-I want it all, let me repeat that; I WANT IT ALL, and I have not believed that it is humanly possible to HAVE IT ALL! I have believed that I can have Growth-which is absolutely vital to this existence or Wealth-which, being me is also pretty vital to this existence and for the past couple of years of intense growth I have sacrificed wealth. Wow. I’m just sitting here and taking all of this in, feeling it and incorporating it into my being. The FEAR has been that I have to make a choice between growth and wealth and I know that giving up on growth is not an option but giving up on wealth and comfort has been pretty freaking uncomfortable too. This is the life where I ask for it all, and am willing to receive it-gratefully and graciously- and I am just feeling that as a profound sense of grounding within my physical body-a feeling of gratitude that I always experience when I find or stumble upon a TRUTH.

I ask again: Am I willing to let go of all my fears and I hear “yes”. Am I willing to ask for growth and wealth, stupendous growth and great wealth-and the answer is not quite so unequivocal. So, am I willing to believe that I am worthy of both growth and wealth-“yes”-and that willingness is enough for this afternoon.

I’ll let you know how this goes...

From the willingness to feel worthy to have it all within me to the willingness to feel worthy to have it all within you...

To be continued...