The Limitation Chronicles

Chapter Thirty-five From Fear To...

2011-12-19T17:33:00.001-08:00

FROM FEAR TO...

I am currently conducting a workshop with nine brave souls, including mine! On the first night of the workshop I ask each of us a series of questions and we listen for the answer from the conscious mind, which is typically the one verbalized, and the answer from the sub or unconscious mind which (don’t laugh, at least too hard) I hear inside my head. The purpose of the exercise is to ascertain whether and where there might be a disconnection between the conscious and unconscious desires. It is important to know this because regardless of the conscious desire(s), the unconscious, which is exponentially more powerful, will always govern.

Two of the questions have to do with fears. The first is: are you willing to look at all of your fears? The second is: are you willing to let go of all your fears? Interestingly, I was and am willing to look at all my fears. When asked whether I am willing to let them go my clearly heard subconscious answer was “not a chance in hell!” Now, because I am “instructing” the class and because I have made a commitment to myself to go the distance in this lifetime I am, concomitantly, committed to understanding whence the reluctance! So, here goes...

I am getting into my body, which I realize I have been reluctant to do for days-and I am still fighting it. I am holding something (as yet undiscovered) in my sacral chakra-I can tell this because I am experiencing it as a void-as kind of a dead zone-which is unusual for me when I am truly present and not blocking or resisting something. I can see I’m going to have to go on a journey-which I will now-

Q. How is fear serving me? A. It is giving me the illusion of keeping me safe.

Q. Safe from what? A. Pain.

Q. What pain? A. The pain of loss.

Q. Loss of whom or what? A. Blank-I don’t know.

So, I went and sat, feeling into the place in my sacral area while looking for information and asking for clarity. Not much was forthcoming either as feeling or information so I regrouped and asked more questions.

Q. What do I “need” in and as Spirit? A. Growth

Q. What do I need as a human? A. Comfort

Q. Do I believe that those two needs are consistent and complimentary? A. No. (Interesting and revelatory answer!)

Q. As a human have I ever had a life with both growth and comfort? A. No.

This makes so much sense to me given that I know I have come to this life to have it all, to go the distance in both spiritual growth and human comfort (love, friendship, wealth, fun, gratitude, joy) and, of course, I did actually write a book called “Who Said It Has To Be Hard?”. So, I see my dilemma and my challenge AND, what has been the source of the disaffection I have been feeling for days (decades)-I want it all, let me repeat that; I WANT IT ALL, and I have not believed that it is humanly possible to HAVE IT ALL! I have believed that I can have Growth-which is absolutely vital to this existence or Wealth-which, being me is also pretty vital to this existence and for the past couple of years of intense growth I have sacrificed wealth. Wow. I’m just sitting here and taking all of this in, feeling it and incorporating it into my being. The FEAR has been that I have to make a choice between growth and wealth and I know that giving up on growth is not an option but giving up on wealth and comfort has been pretty freaking uncomfortable too. This is the life where I ask for it all, and am willing to receive it-gratefully and graciously- and I am just feeling that as a profound sense of grounding within my physical body-a feeling of gratitude that I always experience when I find or stumble upon a TRUTH.

I ask again: Am I willing to let go of all my fears and I hear “yes”. Am I willing to ask for growth and wealth, stupendous growth and great wealth-and the answer is not quite so unequivocal. So, am I willing to believe that I am worthy of both growth and wealth-“yes”-and that willingness is enough for this afternoon.

I’ll let you know how this goes...

From the willingness to feel worthy to have it all within me to the willingness to feel worthy to have it all within you...

To be continued...

Chapter Thirty-four There Is Only Love

2011-11-27T15:37:00.000-08:00

THERE IS ONLY LOVE

I had a shock recently, if something that my instincts already knew can really be described as a shock. Someone that I loved with all my heart had been lying to me. What made it worse was that I have known, in my heart, that I was being lied to and when having asked, several times, for the truth, was repeatedly told that my instincts were incorrect. Believe it, for someone who values her intuition as much as I value mine, this was torture.

In sitting with the pain both of the betrayal and the attempt to distance me from my knowing I have been taken very directly back to my childhood; to a time when I gave absolutely all of my heart and soul to my father who for reasons of his own was not able to see my love as the shining and incomparable gift it actually was.

I am writing about this today, after a fairly long absence, not because I want or need to share my pain; I realize there is plenty to go around right about now. No, I share this because in sitting with and honoring the pain I realized today that lo those many years ago I concluded and continuing on until this very day there lived in my body the belief that it was wrong to give all my love and all of myself when, in fact, it was right and perfect and could not have been any other way.

I know there is a veritable ton, in fact, one hundred million tons of pain that is being felt and lived today. Believe me, there are times when my body feels all of our pain so intensely it is almost unbearable. I know how you are feeling if you are reading these words and my heart goes out to you in friendship, kinship and in love. But for the part of you that is striving and learning and healing and wanting to wake up please know that we are never wrong to be in our hearts. We are never wrong to give all of ourselves and all of our love even if it would appear that it is not appreciated or recognized or cherished. There is only love; sometimes it is so incredibly intense that it feels like the most beautiful and profound pain. I know. And in these times we can ask for help, we can feel, we can breathe, we can remember and if at all possible we can have faith that love is the way through the pain-to the honoring of ourselves and to the beauty and joy that I know, in my heart, are our birthrights.

So to everyone and anyone who is cold or hungry or frightened or feels alone, hurt or unloved tonight-I love you and I am holding you in my heart as tenderly and dearly as I can right along with the parts of myself that are in pain and frightened as well.

Keep the faith...

To be continued...

Chapter Thirty-three Dear Johnathan

2011-08-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

DEAR JOHNATHAN

Flying away from you today was one of the hardest things I will ever do. Fortunately the driver was a respectful man and just let me cry in silence. What is hard is how incredibly much I am going to miss you; how much I already miss you. What made it easier was how much faith I have in you and your abilities and how ready I know you are for this adventure. I realized today that this week in Hong Kong was difficult for me because I had my heart steeled against these feelings and when I am not in my heart these days I feel really disconnected from myself.

Because it may not have been obvious let me tell you what a joy it was to help you shop for things for your dorm room; to share in your life one more time. And now I will have a vision of you in your room, new linens on your bed, Chairman Mao on the wall. I have not been brave enough to go into your room in the house yet. I’ll get around to it sometime this week.

I am so incredibly proud of you and of the man you are becoming. Being your mother has been the highlight of my life. I have never done anything more challenging or more rewarding. I have loved you with my whole heart since the moment you were conceived; far earlier than I loved myself with my whole heart. It’s such a funny feeling, so happy/sad, so much love.

What I wish for you as you venture out on your own is that you find within and for yourself a love and an appreciation that will serve as a beacon, that will connect you with your heart and your integrity and your truest place of creation; that will allow you to know what is truly important to you regardless of whether or how it may be judged by others.

So thank you, sweetie, from the bottom of my heart, for the pleasure and the challenge of being your mother. I look forward to all the times to come. I wish you love. I wish you contentment. I wish you fun. I wish you excitement. I wish you the joy of learning. I wish you true friendship. I wish you the pleasure of knowing what I already know about you; that when you put your heart and mind into something there is nothing you cannot accomplish!

All my love,
Mom aka Leslie

Chapter Thirty-two A Near Life Experience

2011-08-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

A NEAR LIFE EXPERIENCE

I have talked about the gifted psychic who, when I was 49, correctly foretold my father’s death during my 54th year. I have also talked about how, during that same reading, she foretold of a near death experience I would have when I was 60. This really struck me as I turned 58 in October and I was thinking about it again today. This time, however, given the turn of events of my life, what really struck me was not so much that I might have a near death experience but how I have been living until very (VERY) recently, a Near Life Experience!

Most of my life has been lived (or not) based on a fear of appearing ridiculous and less than “perfect”. Since I learned at the ripe old age of seven that my father had not left my mother for me but, rather, for another “woman” I vowed to never be devastated or humiliated again. And I may not have been devastated or humiliated but I most definitely have been controlling, defensive, completely anal and most definitely not fully in my heart. I have stuffed all the best parts of me; my exuberance, my sense of whimsy, my loving and giving nature, my innocence, my very essence, into a ridiculously small and controlled box while watching vigilantly for any sign that I might be hurt or humiliated. How exhausting and, really, what a bore.

I will give myself some credit for the work I have done, the things I have allowed myself to feel and the determination I have to live as a conscious and loving being. But until my husband and I separated a few months ago I now see and, so, have to admit, how much of Me remained stuffed inside my temperature controlled and emotionally sterile box.

I was always a stubborn child and I see that has not changed much. It has actually taken the demise of a relationship where I completely deceived myself and much less successfully attempted to deceive my partner that I was fully available and “all in”, to realize that I was not “all” anything because the best parts of me were stuffed away and hiding out in a moldy old box. (Okay, Jewish Princesses don’t really have moldy old boxes, but you get my drift).

So, since the separation I have been a walking flood. I have given myself permission to come out of hiding. I have allowed myself to be and feel HEART BROKEN, knowing that heartbroken really only means making more space in my heart for love. If I am or appear ridiculous, that’s okay. My new favorite quote comes from, of all things, the film “Secretariat”; I am going to “run my race”. I’m not holding anything back anymore out of fear of appearing ridiculous or of being humiliated. I have realized that I can only be humiliated if I do that to myself and I no longer need to do that to myself.

No more boxes, no matter how stylishly decorated. No more near Life experiences. No more hiding out. No more partially run races. If I give my heart away (which I hope to do daily) and it is broken again, oh well! I know I’ll live. I’ll probably even flourish.

From the Full Life Experience Running Full Out that is me to the call of the race within you...

To be continued...

Chapter Thirty-one More Than Enough And Just The Beginning

2011-07-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

MORE THAN ENOUGH
AND
JUST THE BEGINNING

It is an absolutely perfect day here in Mill Bay, British Columbia; kind of a lazy hazy sun, mid 70s, wonderful breeze. The view of Mill Bay from my home is gorgeous. This weekend has been magical. I spent three glorious hours kayaking with my friend Helen yesterday morning. We paddled over to the place where the Mill Bay Stream empties into the Pacific Ocean and which is reputed to be a sacred space. Eagles and herons flew back and forth, directly over us, across the Bay. Families of ducks swam before us, gulls dove, the water was perfect and we had this nature all to ourselves.

Today I spent time with my wonderful friend and mentor, Joe B. We laughed and talked and joked and planned and jointly created a vision of one of our new businesses.

This afternoon, in fact, now I am drinking a heavenly glass of organic Italian Primitivo and listening to my all time favourite disc, Keith Jarrett’s Concert at Koln. I started wishing for a moment that I had a special someone with whom to share this experience and then I realized that I do; ME!

This has been a revelatory week. I realized or decided or however it should be phrased (I’ve already had a glass of wine and I have no liver enzymes for these things) that I’m not going to PRETEND anymore. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know how to have a loving, reciprocal, fun, fabulous, sexy, rewarding and LASTING relationship with a MAN. When I made that commitment to myself or had that epiphany my entire being just settled into itself (it’s hard to explain in words) and it was like; Jeez, finally! I also realized that I’m not going to pretend any longer that I’m not going to be fabulously wealthy once again and that realization felt equally grounded, grounding and great.

There are so many things I am eager to do that will utilize my gifts and benefit mankind it’s not even funny and I actually need capital to do these things so I’m holding Source accountable to cough it up.

On the significant other front, from now on, BOYFRIEND, I realized this afternoon while drinking great wine and listening to great music ”ALONE” that, for now, ALONE is great. I can have a sexy, romantic, loving, fun and rewarding time with ME. And I’m more than fine with that. I actually love my own company. I’m smart and funny and I love to dance around the house all by myself. And I also, absolutely, positively, in my Heart and Soul KNOW, that this is just the beginning of the next part of my life. And I know that this next part, when the time is right, will definitely, absolutely, positively include a PARTNER with whom to share all I have learned and all I have yet to learn.

So, today is absolutely perfect and I know this is just the start of the perfection to come. I am humbly, giddily, ecstatically and eternally GRATEFUL.

From the perfection of ME to the perfection of YOU...

To be continued...

Chapter Thirty The End Of An Era

2011-06-25T16:33:00.001-07:00

THE END OF AN ERA

My baby boy graduated from high school today. He is so excited about the next part of his life. I am happy for him and proud of him and, in my own way, equally excited about the next phase of his life. The phase where he goes out on his own and really begins to find himself , make his own choices, fine tune his character.

This is such a happy day and a poignant day, at least for me. I had Johnathan when I was 40. My parents, God bless them, had not made parenting appear to be a fun endeavor and I really could not figure out why anyone would want to have a child, much less, children. Fortunately, his father knew better than I did and convinced me that we should have a baby. In a moment of weakness I said “yes” and, literally, got pregnant that night. The rest is history. What I did not understand, but I thank my lucky stars I had the opportunity to learn, is how much it is possible to love another human being.

It is ironic to say that another person is my purpose in life; especially given my background as a lawyer and developer and, my current avocation as a life coach and energy healer. But, that’s the truth, Johnathan, raising him, watching over him, having fun with him, “guiding” him, has been my purpose for the past 18 ½ years and while he is only going off to Hong Kong, not leaving the planet, I am all too aware that my “purpose” is ending.

There have been so many times I have wanted to flush his head down the toilet, especially the past couple of years, that I did not realize (or have not allowed myself to feel) how dreadfully I will miss him.

So, my beautiful man, on the day of your first serious graduation, I wish you all the joy and excitement and love and abundance this world has to offer. I will always be here for you, no matter what. But I think it is time to take some of the energy and love I have put into you and give it to myself. It’s time to fully fuel the new purpose; the fully blown arrival of Me.

Love you sweetie...

To be continued...

Chapter Twenty-nine Why Am I A Warrior When It Comes To Men?

2011-06-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

WHY AM I A WARRIOR WHEN IT COMES TO MEN?

Welcome to the $64,000 question of my life. It is my intention to understand the answer to this question by the end of this blog post. Whenever you are ready to stop laughing, please read on (wishing me luck would be helpful too).

Wow, while absolutely true, what I am about to say is very hard to write. Every relationship with a significant male in this lifetime has been a battleground. Every relationship in this lifetime with a man I loved or who loved me has been a battleground; starting with my Father and ending, I truly hope, with my current husband. Just writing this makes me feel so incredibly sad and very tired. It reminds me of the time, some six months after I had retired from my law practice, that I realized I had burned out as a lawyer because I had spent every day for the previous 14 years fighting for a living, often about things that were meaningful to my clients but not truly meaningful to me other than as an advocate or an ego.

Again, in truth, right this minute I feel as though this part of my life, my significant relationships with men, has been a horrible waste. And although the other part of me understands that lessons have been learned and that one is being learned as I type, I still just feel sad and empty.

So let’s just ask the question: what the hell have I been fighting for, or fighting against or trying so desperately to prove or protect? And here I need some help so I am asking for it. What the hell have I been trying to learn from all this war and mayhem?

I’m just going to make an effort to get back in my body (which I am “fighting” like crazy) and sit with this for a bit.

Interesting and complex: just like me! I check in with my sacral chakra where I have been conscious of holding something for at least a month. I see that I was “A CRUSADER FOR PEACE”; talk about an oxymoron! Yes, I was a Crusader for Peace, riding out and vanquishing all foes in the name of Peace; truly believing that Peace would prevail when all foes were vanquished. I believe I was doing this in the name of “God” as some religious zealot and I can see that my entire adult life was spent vanquishing, well, everyone. When I was finished vanquishing because we had pretty well devastated everything in our path I was an old man at the end of my life and I never had the opportunity to enjoy much less revel in the fruits of my crusading. I never had the joy of PEACE or quiet or calm or home or just BEING and I felt, for a moment, the anguish of the end of that lifetime having waged a lifelong battle for Peace only to arrive at the end of my life too old and battered and focused on zealotry to enjoy the “prize”. Wow. Double wow.

So what do this knowledge and the lesson inherent in it have to do with the significant men in my current lifetime? They have all been worthy opponents, able warriors in their own rights, indeed, each has possessed a zealotry of his own which he advocated with me; in some cases to his at least metaphoric demise. The absolutely amazing irony is that I have sought peace my entire life while running around the countryside (of two countries no less!) creating havoc. Holy crap, no wonder I’m tired!

I am a dichotomy. I have the Heart of a warrior wrapped in a Soul of peace and reason. I am asking for help to find space for ALL of me to peacefully co-exist. I would like to be done with battle. I would like to find a new way to get my kicks (sorry, bad pun). I think, but am not entirely sure, that I am ready to pass the mantle of Crusader on to someone else and take some time to JUST BE for a while.

This is big and there may be more information to come so for now I thank you for taking this journey with me and for bearing witness to my life.

From the prayer for Peace within me to the knowing of Peace within you.

To be continued...

Chapter Twenty-eight A Raging Torrent

2011-06-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

A RAGING TORRENT
(OR IS THAT REDUNDANT?)

I am the banks of the mighty Mississippi (I loved learning to spell that name in school) this morning; the widest stretches of the Nile and the Amazon. I feel the energy of all places and all times rushing through my physical body and it feels amazing and takes me to a place of such gratitude tears are overflowing my eyelashes, attached somehow, directly to my heart. The picture of my life is completely uncertain; where will I live, how will I live, what will I “do”; will I ever truly have a loving partnership, without fear, with another human being. And while those are real questions, currently without answers, I KNOW that none of it actually matters. The only TRUE thing is this rushing, coursing, torrent of love, the essence of being, flowing through the immense river of me right this very moment.

Since Monday of this week I have been presented with more opportunities to be fearful and overwhelmed than I have in years. It has been a great opportunity to use what I have learned to keep myself present, grounded and receptive to the lessons. Yesterday when I felt utterly overwhelmed I actually asked for help. Yes, Delilah, I have been asking for help and I am so grateful for and appreciative of all the help that has been forthcoming; gladly forthcoming.

I don’t yet consciously understand why it is important to acknowledge the mighty river or the gratitude right this minute but I trust that this information will touch someone, somewhere, somehow. I do know that if this is my experience today it will not be solely my experience and it is important to allow the river to rage and run its course through your deep channels; to not dam it up or slow it down; to stretch your boundaries to allow it to flow fully and freely and to allow yourself the joy that comes from gratitude for the life within you and all around you.

From my raging river to yours...

To be continued...

Chapter Twenty-seven In The Midst Of Chaos There Can Still Be Gratitude

2011-05-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

IN THE MIDST OF CHAOS THERE CAN STILL BE
GRATITUDE

That is the lesson and my blessing for today. The day started off with my husband telling me, yet again, that he wants a divorce and that this time he really means it. The truth is, he loves me dearly and does not want a divorce but does want me to never do anything that might possibly cause him pain. It is almost never my intention to cause him pain but I’m pretty sure that even when I am more highly evolved and, in fact, never want to cause him pain, I will, inevitably, do something that causes him pain because he is choosing to learn by being in pain. I guess the question for me is whether I am tired of playing the role of the bearer of this lesson.

I apologize, the last thing I want to do is bore you, yet again, with my personal drama and shortcomings. As usual though, they are instructive. My raison d’etre, my son, is going off to Asia in a few months to start the next phase of his adventure. As such, I don’t know where I’m going to live, or, really, how. This could easily be perceived as chaos but, thank you WHOMEVER, I just feel totally centered, grounded and happy. I heard this morning that in the midst of chaos there can still be gratitude and that is exactly how I am feeling. I am so profoundly grateful for just everything and everyone right now that waves of gratitude are flowing out of my body and into the room. I hope you can feel it. I will intend that you be able to feel it.

I just know in my heart and in all of my being that everything is going to be fine. In the midst of chaos there can still be gratitude. I am grateful for the love, the support, the knowing, for all of you and for me, the All of me. I am so grateful I am overflowing right now and I ask, most humbly, should I leave this most profound of places and go to my head and the fears contained therein in the coming weeks and months, to be reminded, gently, that in the midst of chaos there can still be gratitude.

So if you seem to be in the midst of chaos right now I’m going to invite you to get out of your head and get into your heart for just a moment (or forever, it’s your choice) and just feel this gratitude. There is no reason for it because everything in your life, and beyond your life, is the reason for it. Just get into your center and get out of your head and know that in the midst of chaos there can still be gratitude; the most powerful heart energy there is.

I was also told this morning that I am an anchor for myself and will be a beacon for everyone to know and feel that in the midst of chaos, as we take our next and potentially most frightening steps, there can still be gratitude. Pray for me. Hold space for me to remember this lesson; to live this lesson. And I will for all of you.

From the recognition of something greater within me to the recognition of something greater that is you...

To be continued...

Chapter Twenty-six If It Looks Hard And Painful And It Feels Hard And Painful It Must Be An Opportunity!

2011-05-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

IF IT LOOKS HARD AND PAINFUL
AND IT FEELS HARD AND PAINFUL
IT MUST BE AN OPPORTUNITY!

No shit! Okay, the truth is I was not so sanguine about this on Friday!

Any of you who have listened to me on News For The Soul or read my book know that the brave soul who is my husband has shown up, at least in part, to help me learn some lessons about relationships. Unfortunately for both of us I am extremely stubborn and, apparently, a very slow learner. As such, we have an extremely mercurial and stormy relationship. The good news is, I’m learning lots! And this weekend was no exception.

Half the time it is so ridiculous I don’t even remember what we are supposed to be fighting about. In all seriousness, I don’t usually care what we are supposed to be fighting about because I am aware that if we are fighting about anything it simply means I have something to look at and yet another pocket of “stuff” to clean out. One would think I would be fairly devoid of pockets by now. I know I have said this, more than once, but this weekend I believe I dove into the last (and most significant) one. I share this because I believe, at core, it is a pocket we all share and I hope that my experience in locating and starting to clean it out will be helpful and instructive.

Many of you may know that two and a half years ago I loaned a friend a substantial amount of money, unsecured, that was supposed to be repaid within a few months but has yet to be repaid. Since that time I have divested myself of all my former business interests and have been concentrating on my consulting/healing practice. I absolutely love this work. Let me say that another way. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS WORK. In fact, if it is “work” it has set a new standard for the word. I have never been happier in this lifetime. I have never felt more fulfilled or connected, to everyone and everything. I am incredibly grateful that I can do the thing I love, develop and use all my gifts, and be paid actual money for it!

Having said all of that, my income does not yet match my lifestyle. I am exceedingly good at living. I love beautiful things, good food and wine, travelling and treating the people I Iove. I have a gorgeous house filled with gorgeous things, lovely clothes, a shoe collection most women would die for and all the toys I desire. I have been princessized and I am not interested in compromising my lifestyle. In fact, I’ll go farther; I do not believe I have to compromise my lifestyle because I have chosen to pursue my passion as my “career”.

Honestly, for the past two years my “lifestyle” has been soundly and, for the most part, lovingly, subsidized by my husband. This situation has allowed me to learn to take from someone as opposed to always being the giver. It has allowed me to plumb the depths of my worthiness to receive. It has allowed me to look closely at my integrity, or lack thereof, during the times when I am taking from my husband but not giving of myself. If I am sounding cavalier about any of this, I really don’t mean to. All of these opportunities have been provided and I have been and continue to be grateful for them because I do recognize them to be opportunities for growth.

So, getting back to my story; this past weekend I was presented with a huge opportunity for growth when, in the midst of yet another tussle, my husband asked me, in all seriousness, how much it would take to get rid of me (I assumed he meant to buy me out of our house and not to hire a hit man to dispose of me in a more permanent manner). Now, my son is getting ready to go off to college; if I’m not living here I have no idea where I want or “need” to live and, of course, I’m not actually earning enough to support us.

To my credit I resisted the momentary urge to freak out and, instead, allowed myself to actually feel the fear. I also realized, I am sure with substantial help from my posse that my other lesson was to be totally, completely, 100% in my heart with Wes NO MATTER WHAT.

This is where you need to pay attention: our lesson is to be totally, completely, 100% in our hearts NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHOM.

I realized this past weekend that our place of being is 100% in our hearts no matter the circumstances and once I realized this I actually did it. I also realized that we do not have to love or even “like” someone in order to be 100% in our hearts with and for them. I was able to demonstrate for myself this weekend that I can be totally in my heart for another human being and I mean really be there and present for another human being with all my heart energy and love when that person is angry at me, wanting to leave me, saying “mean” things to and about me. I learned that it is possible to just be in my heart and present for another no matter what. You are probably getting the message that this understanding was a profound experience for me.

So, back to the fear, which, really, I think I had to sit in before I could just be in my heart. I felt the fear in my sacral area and I allowed all of it to just be there without talking myself out of it or pushing it away. I felt this overwhelming and almost paralyzing fear for my survival and my ability to provide for my son. When I had allowed the feeling to grow to its true size I took my consciousness inside the fear to see what was residing there. I saw myself in another life as a child. I was dirty and dressed in rags, alone and living on the street. Just thinking about it now as I am typing I am moved to tears by the smallness, quietness and aloneness of this me. And yet, because I can see her so clearly, there is something majestic, vulnerable but regal about this waif. She is alone and cold and dirty and hungry but somehow also self-possessed and as I look at her and merge with her she does not actually feel afraid. I sense in her a sense of wonder like confusion or lack of understanding as to how this came to be. I do not sense that she felt like a victim. I know she felt sad and alone but those are different feelings. There is an inner strength in this little girl, an acceptance of her circumstances that is in no way a capitulation but, more, a recognition. Yes, an acceptance that she is going to die, alone.

Sitting here now, seeing all of this unfold, because I did not see all of this when I looked this weekend, I have so much love and respect, yes respect, for this little girl and there is so much tenderness in my heart for her and her power I am almost blown away by it and by her. In this current life I have had so incredibly much more material wealth and comfort than this little girl but I have not had an iota of the internal strength or acceptance I see her demonstrate and I feel shamed and humbled by this.

And I see that given the incredible material comfort of this life I would never have been able to access this other piece if I had not created circumstances that allowed me to feel incapable of supporting myself and my son and I am grateful and overwhelmed at the same time.

I am going to sit with all of this for a bit but I thank you for the opportunity to share and I hope my journey will provide some guidance for any of you feeling the need.

From my humility amidst plenty to yours...

To be continued...

Chapter Twenty-five What Unites Us?

2011-05-03T11:07:00.001-07:00

WHAT UNITES US

For many years after moving to Canada in 1993 I watched CNN religiously lest I miss some important piece of “news”. As I have become increasingly aware of my own energy and that of others I have found it increasingly painful to watch the “news” because the broadcasts contain so much negativity and fear. Indeed, I have now gone so far in the opposite direction that I will only know the world has ended if I look outside one morning and nothing is there.

As such, it is ironic that I was attempting to watch a regularly scheduled non-news program on CBC Sunday night when it was pre-empted by the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. As I listened to President Obama make the carefully scripted announcement I attempted to feel something from him. It was the first time in my history that I have heard a president taking credit for killing someone. We were then shown video of people cheering and waving American flags on the streets of Washington DC and I found the whole thing a surreal experience but did not realize why until this morning.

I literally cannot imagine what it was like to lose someone on 9/11. I can only imagine the overwhelming sadness, frustration, anger and feeling of helplessness. I know that many in the US have also lived in fear since that time. I can imagine that the knowledge of Bin Laden’s death served to provide closure for some, a sense of retribution or revenge, a sense of empowerment and/or a sense that justice has been done, at least in part. I did recognize that Bin Laden’s death also provided a galvanizing moment for many in the US, indeed, possibly in the world. What struck me this morning regarding my reaction is that people were galvanized around hate; around having murdered a murderer.

I clearly will always be an idealist in this lifetime. Recognizing that Bin Laden was a murderer; recognizing how incredibly much pain his actions created; recognizing the relief people felt from his death, watching this play out on the news, I realized this morning that what I felt was sadness because people were celebrating hate, were united in hatred.

I hope and I believe the day will come when there is no need for someone like Hitler or Osama Bin Laden. I hope and believe the day will come when all people on the planet will feel and act with respect for one another. I hope and believe the day will come when all people on the planet feel their own worth and, as such, can see nothing other than the value in each and every one of us. I hope and believe the day will come when we are galvanized by the joy in our hearts and the belief that this Earth is, indeed, a sacred space for us all.

From my heart to yours...

To be continued...

Chapter Twenty-four What Are We Feeling?

2011-05-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

WHAT ARE WE FEELING?

For the past month or so many of us have been feeling overwhelmed; more overwhelmed than usual. Many of us are experiencing huge and dramatic swings in mood and emotions; many of us are feeling excessively energized and even anxious and many of us are having physical experiences like the apparent recurrence of dis-eases we thought were long gone. I sat last Wednesday and asked for information about these experiences. What follows is the information I received.

The experience right now is CHANGE.

I asked why are so many people experiencing that as fear and was told: “For many change does not come willingly-they believe they will have to give up something (beliefs) that provide an illusion of safety.”

“Our CORE beliefs are available to be observed NOW”. I was shown our internal core (this appeared to me as mine, located in the middle of my body in the middle of my solar plexus). “Those things that have been covered over or hidden from view for centuries-are now visible-whether or not we choose to look.”

“That is the urgency many are experiencing; our core mis-beliefs are no longer hidden. We literally cannot avoid seeing and feeling them. That is the good news. It is time for change. There is NOW a direct path in each of us to those things we came here to transform.”

“It does not have to be HARD, you might feel the growth as pain; in your belly, but we guarantee you will not die. It is not your time yet. Your physical body will survive and will thrive if you let it. Let go of the reins, let go of whatever you are holding on to that keeps you small, that stifles growth, which you keep hidden from view.”

“Send your love, your WARMTH to those places that feel strangled, that are not breathing.”

“And Be Done”.

I asked what does this mean and was told “They Know.”

“Amid all the internal panic and fear is a solid, strong, grounded, eternal and unwavering central core of OPPORTUNITY.”

I hope this helps. I know to my CORE that contained within the apparent turmoil are the seeds of growth.

My love to you all...
To be continued...

Chapter Twenty-three Something New For Me: Earth Healing Every Sunday

2011-03-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

EARTH HEALING
March 27, 2011

We (I’m saying “we” because I felt at least one other person join me) started our first Earth Healing session this morning at 10:00 a.m. PST. I’m not sure why yet, but I want to chronicle my experiences each Sunday and post them on the website. If you are joining me in this I would love to hear from you and about your experience(s) too and I will gladly add them to the site.

My conscious intention this morning was to send to whatever and wherever in the planet needed assistance. I also wanted to send healing and cleaning energy to the waters. I empowered my Reiki symbols and started beaming (I was sitting, as always, in my bedroom looking out over Mill Bay and Salt Spring Island). After a couple of minutes I felt my friend, Julie, join me in the room, on my right side. I experienced a palpable amplification in the energy when she arrived. My hands were moved into various positions but within a few minutes my right hand was moved as far to my right as my arm would allow and placed on the floor. It was suggested to me that when the weather warms up it would be a good idea for me to do this outside sitting on the ground and I said I would. My left hand was beaming off to the east. I remained in this position for several minutes (my eyes were closed so I can only estimate the time).

At some point my left hand was moved to the left of my body and then moved very slowly to the right. I had the sense of scooping oil and other impurities from the bottom of the ocean in the Gulf of Mexico area. I was channelling these materials through my body and out of my feet into the earth which I had some question about. I asked if it was being transformed and was laughingly and lovingly told it was being “recycled” which I thought was a pretty nifty and ironic result; sucking the oil out of the Gulf and returning it to the place from which it came). This slow scooping action was carried on by both my arms in a circle around my body and when that was finished the session was at an end; the time was approximately 10:26.

At some point during the session I was asked if I am willing to allow everything (all the healing/love energy) that is available to come through me to do so and I said I am. I also said I am more than willing to continue to do my internal clearing of anything that is in the way of being a completely clear and enormous channel for LOVE.

So that’s it. It was a complete joy and, as usual, I probably received tremendously more than I gave but I know, in my heart, that it is right to give back in this way and I am very happy and grateful to do so. To any who joined me in either spirit or 3D, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Until next week...

Chapter Twenty-two The (T)ides Of March

2011-03-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

THE (T)IDES OF MARCH
(Metaphorically speaking)

I’m not entirely sure what I want to write today; I just know I have to write. I may be crazy (yes, very funny) and I might just have a slightly (or radically) different perspective but I am finding all of the planetary activity and the opportunities it is presenting just absolutely thrilling. I don’t mean to be insensitive by any means to the plight of our brothers and sisters in Japan. I am thankful that I cannot imagine what they must be currently experiencing. What I absolutely know in my heart, however, is that these occurrences and daily predictions of occurrences are bringing our fears, individual and collective, right to the surface where we can access them easily, feel them and, in my way of thinking, have the opportunity to transform them. Or, at the very least, have choice about whether we allow them to run (or ruin) our lives.

The “external” influences at play, such as the start of the last phase of the Mayan Calendar and the concomitant need and opportunity for individual awakening and return to consciousness, coupled with the quickening, real or perceived, of time, the confluence of planetary activity, the breaking through to awareness, although incipient, that we are all one and the media’s need to fear-monger, the fear we carry and the fear we perceive from others are all palpable in a way and to a degree I believe never before experienced in our history on Earth.

So, why are we at this juncture and what do we do? Is this a disaster or a potential disaster of previously un-experienced proportions or is this the greatest opportunity mankind has ever experienced?

It is interesting sitting here today, March 19, 2011. Predictions of “The Big One” in California or the Vancouver area are rampant. I get no energy on it at all which tells me that such an occurrence is not a high probability or a Universal truth. I do know that this week, largely as a result of the quake in Japan, the predictions of further seismic activity and all the fear engendered by those events, I finally realized that it is time for me to stop hiding out in the space of “what can one little person do to save the planet” and actually use my gifts and abilities to Save The Planet. Wow; that felt great.

I do believe that relationships and institutions of every kind have been shaken and served up for review in the past few years and I further believe that process will continue for a while. I believe the point of the shaking and review is to allow us or possibly cause us to notice where we and our larger creations are out of integrity: which, I believe, leads me to the Planet. It is unarguable that our dealings with the elemental aspects of Earth have been drastically out of integrity. Believe me; I am not holding myself above or apart from that indictment. As I said previously, while paying lip service to wanting to be a better citizen of Earth I have avoided inconveniencing myself in any way in relation to conservation or stewardship by resorting to the incredibly lame song of “I’m only one person, what difference can I make?”

I don’t know exactly why the penny dropped this week but it did and I can and intend to make a difference. Maybe it was because I have no interest in living even one day more of my life in fear and that includes fear of harm or death from earthquakes or tsunamis. Somehow all the fear that is running rampant has allowed me to see and, in fact, feel that there is another choice; action. Maybe the polar opposite of fear is a knowing of one’s power to not only influence but, in fact, create one’s life and one’s reality. I guess over the next several weeks we will see if my guidance is correct, but my reality is that we have the power through love and gratitude (although not through fear) to heal and calm the Earth. And when we actually see and feel our connection to Earth as a result of our realization that we can heal and calm it my hope and prayer is that we will understand that we cannot survive without each other and without being in integrity with each other because we are, in fact, each other.

I’m turning off lights. I’m recycling everything. I’m not going to waste water and I am going to learn more ways to conserve. When I am in the position to do so, I am going to help finance new ways to create energy because I’m pretty darn sure that the day of the nuclear power plant is over. I am going to use my connections with Source and Earth and my healing abilities and my love and gratitude to heal the air, water and earth and I am going to create a forum for anyone interested in joining me to join me in doing so. I am not afraid but I am both determined and committed and anyone who knows me will tell you that when determination and commitment unite with my belief, there is nothing I (and We) cannot do.

From my love and appreciation for our beautiful Planet to yours...
To be continued...

Chapter Twenty-one An Ode To My Heart

2011-02-28T17:24:00.000-08:00

AN ODE TO MY HEART

It has taken me a few days (and about 58 years) to know what I want to say in this Ode to my Heart. This will be a love song to my heart, my most ardent supporter.

My heart is a huge, in fact, unlimited, organ. Although I have feared it and feared that it would desert me, betray me or in some unnamed way let me down, it has beat steadily since the day of my birth and all the days of many other lives. I have reviled it, failed or refused to trust it, disregarded its most excellent and correct advice and, generally, taken it for granted. I have run from it fearing that it would be “broken” irrevocably failing to realize or understand that though it might hurt or even stop, it and all the love contained within it will never, can never, end.

Through the good times and bad it has been here with me and for me had I stopped for even a moment to find it, listen to it, trust it, appreciate it. Even now, as I sit here and write this it is asking me to “Let Go” to “Trust” understanding that the final inch compared to the miles we have traveled still feels like the Grand Canyon.

As I type I feel an intense pain in my heart and I say I am greedy and do not want to go yet but if it is time for me to go I am okay with it and I hear, clearly, “It is not time for you to go, it is time for you to LIVE!” I literally sob, “I don’t know how” which is the ultimate irony given all the living I have done in these 58 years. But the truth is still that I do not know how without being in control and I can no longer truly live and be in control. I ask for help. I cannot do this alone. None of us can. Nor do we have to.

I am frightened, on the brink, laughing, crying, shaking my head, having heart palpitations knowing that I just worked out for an hour without breaking a sweat; all at the same time. I realize I am doing this work not only for myself. I ask my heart, probably for the first time ever, how I can support it; like JFK: Ask not what your heart can do for you but what you can do for your heart. It tells me so simply and humbly that I feel truly ashamed, “Just Love Me”. It asks me in this sweet little voice: “just love me”. OMG, such a simple, humble yet profound request: “just love me”. It is what we all came here to feel. My heart is literally breaking right now, the pain making space for more room: “just love me”. I cradle my heart and myself in my arms, rocking as I would rock a child. “I do” I tell it. “I am sorry it has taken me so long to figure this out.” “I do.” “I do.” “I do.”

I have no strength, no fight, and no resistance left. I trust that this is part of a process but, honestly, I don’t have a clue. I am just a limp body with an aching heart.

I actually think that’s it for now. I hope to return and let you know what comes next.

From the heart of me...

To be continued, somewhere, somehow...

Chapter Twenty A Moment Of Levity

2011-02-20T10:37:00.001-08:00

A MOMENT OF LEVITY
MY MOTHER’S MOST SAGE ADVICE

My mother is actually a very wise woman and, as appears to be the case with many of us, the older she gets the wiser she becomes. I say “actually” because she was raised to be a Jewish Princess and with all due respect to all princesses everywhere (including the one sitting at this computer) wisdom and princessdom are not necessarily natural allies.

As I was having a light-hearted Sunday morning chat with her today she shared a sage piece of advice that I found so delightful I wanted to share it with you. We were discussing a friend of hers who is currently in a serious relationship with a gentleman. My mother’s close friends are all strong, beautiful, accomplished, cultured and fun women and this woman definitely has high marks in all those categories. Her husband died a few years ago after a fairly long illness. She is quite comfortable financially and might, in other circumstances, be enjoying some freedom. The “boyfriend” is apparently extremely controlling and the friend is, apparently, content to be controlled. Knowing the friend fairly well I wondered, aloud, why she would want to live that way and my mother told me, with no reservations, that the friend is willing to be controlled because the boyfriend is extremely wealthy (and given about whom we are speaking we must mean EXTREMELY) and the friend is enjoying the perks.

HERE COMES THE SAGE ADVICE

My mom then explained “The problem, Leslie, with women like us, is that we are not willing to acquiesce-no one is that rich!”

I just roared, mainly because it is so true and also because, seriously, it put another piece in perspective. I thanked her when I stopped laughing and reminded her about another piece of excellent insight she had shared with me about 14 years ago.

At that time I was pretty much obsessed with leaving my then husband, my son’s father, although I was not quite ready to make the move. One morning as he was jogging with his headphones on listening to music I ended up driving down our road behind him with no one else around. I have to admit that for a moment I seriously considered running him over thus having a tidy end to all my problems (of course until the police showed up, arrested me and put me away for life). I also have to admit that the momentary fantasy freaked me out a little.

That night I called my mother and told her that I had thought about running (unnamed) over with my vehicle and felt bad about it.

HERE COMES THE SAGE ADVICE

Mom said: “Honey, don’t you know, all wives think about killing their husbands.”

This morning, when reminded of the conversation she added to it...

HERE COMES THE SAGE ADVICE

“The problem is, you can’t get away with it!”

Wishing you a wonderful and power-full day...

To be continued...

Chapter Nineteen A Valentine To Me

2011-02-14T12:07:00.001-08:00

A VALENTINE TO ME

Maybe today I will grow up to be the adult I am meant to be.

Maybe today I will grow up to be the carefree, innocent and joyful child I have always longed to be.

Maybe today I will see love as a gift, an opportunity, a delight and something to be shared rather than the challenge and the potential for loss and pain I have long seen it to be.

Maybe today I will finally, for once and for all time, with authority, tell my heart it is right and loving, healthy and kind, strong and compassionate and infinitely more than enough to provide for my needs and beyond.

Maybe today I will see all parts of me as beautiful and loveable, worthy of kindness and compassion, even from myself.

Maybe today I will finally, fully and freely forgive myself for all of the incredibly mean spirited, small, petty, hurtful and dishonest things I have done in this and every lifetime.

Maybe today I will take a chance and ask everyone whom I have hurt by being mean spirited, small, petty, hurtful and dishonest in this and every lifetime to accept my most humble and sincere apologies and to forgive me.

Maybe today I will actually have and feel compassion for every living thing.

Maybe today I will be truly, brutally and lovingly honest with myself about everything.

Maybe today I will let go of my fears and my stories and all the other things that keep me small and asleep.

Maybe today the places within me that have been obscured by pain and fear will be replaced with light.

Maybe today I will shine and if I shine, maybe today my light will help others to shine as well (or even better!).

Maybe today I will be free.

Chapter Eighteen Step Away From The Opinion!

2011-02-13T15:24:00.001-08:00

STEP AWAY FROM THE OPINION!

This weekend I participated in a Oneness Bhakti Yoga workshop. The purpose was to provide a platform and support for stepping ever more fully into our true nature; a state of Oneness with our Personal Divine. Admittedly, I don’t really know what this means. It is a feeling state that my brain cannot and probably will not understand. Sitting here right now, I’m okay with that.

Distilled to its essence, we were shown how to tell ourselves the truth about how lonely and disconnected we feel, allowed to feel the pain and fear inherent in that sense of disconnection, allowed to see how, because of that sense of isolation and the suffering that stems from it we have lost our faith and forgotten how to feel compassion and gratitude.

Today’s offering is from my heart and soul and a place far beyond my ability to comprehend it. Today’s offering is to all the suffering of all the people currently on the planet and even as I type these words I feel my chest start to swell with the pain of all and my desire to help heal that pain. Today I offer this healing energy coming through my heart and out of my typing fingers to any and all who are in pain and feeling lost or lonely or unloved whether or not you are currently willing to believe that it might be different; that there might be joy and happiness and love here for you.

My story today involves an insight I am grateful to have received yesterday. During one of the exercises someone in the group was crying out loud (I’m fairly sure everyone in the room was crying but I do not actually know because my eyes were closed). As soon as I heard her crying my heart literally went out to her. I felt its energy leave my body and travel to another part of the room to encircle this crying suffering woman with love. As this was occurring I realized that up until that very moment I have had a picture of the kind of suffering that was worthy of my compassion. As with most epiphanies I had about a million realizations in the space of a minute. I simultaneously thought about another woman in our group, who I knew was having a hard time. However, her suffering was demonstrated by walking into things, knocking things over, looking dour and, generally, engaging in behaviour that I was attempting to not find annoying. And then, WHAM, the realization that even though I actually know when people are suffering I have been judging some suffering type behavior, like crying and sadness, as worthy of compassion but other suffering type behaviour like anger and fear and hopelessness as unworthy of compassion, especially under my own roof.

To the crying, sad, pathetic person I offer a hug, a kind word, attention and my love. To the angry and demanding person who is equally in pain I offer my scorn, judgment and a cold relentless heart. I was stunned to see this, incredibly grateful and very ashamed. I sat with the shame and asked forgiveness from every person in my life whom I have treated in this severe and withholding manner, including myself.

Many things have become clearer to me this weekend and I am certain that as this knowledge is processed and incorporated there will be many more. One of most important and at the same time most fundamental is that we all suffer and that all suffering, regardless of the apparent cause, is the same. All suffering deserves compassion; all people, in fact, All That Is deserves compassion and I am so incredibly grateful to have found the place in my heart that recognizes this and knows itself to be part of All That Is.

My promise is to wake up and stay awake. Perfectly and not at all coincidentally while sleeping last night I was given a “vaccine for clouded individualism”. I just love that name. I actually made myself get up in the middle of the night and write it down so I would not forget it by this morning. So, we’ll see how it works. I promise to let you know.

To all the pain in any heart I send you love and compassion which come from something far greater than “I” and hope which comes directly from me.

To be continued...

Chapter Seventeen Egypt: A Lesson For Us All

2011-02-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

EGYPT, JANUARY 28, 2011
A LESSON FOR US ALL

Many of us awoke this morning with images of a revolution taking place in one of the cradles of civilization. I know that some readers find inspiration and comfort in my writing and that is always my intention. I am not and do not proclaim to be a political maven but from my standpoint, this turn of events is thrilling and completely in alignment with the inevitable demise of any institution founded upon anything other than integrity.

A good friend recently visited Egypt for the purpose of reuniting with ancient energies and that aspect of the trip was completely rewarding. Just yesterday she showed me her photos and talked at length about the experience, including the constant requests for baksheesh. I found it ultimately paradoxical that the people living amid such ancient wisdom and power would consistently act as though they are, and possibly really see themselves to be reliant for their survival on handouts from strangers and so, by definition, completely dis-empowered. Imagine my delight when I awoke to the vision of hundreds of thousands of people telling their government that they were worthy of more and would no longer settle for being treated as less than.

There is a message for us all in this. As long as we, each of us, are willing to allow anyone else to define or measure our worth we will always be looking for handouts from strangers. If we consistently give away our power how can we be empowered as people or individuals?

Marielle Croft, the gifted astrologer, discusses this time in our history; call it the Age of Aquarius or the end of the Mayan Calendar, or whatever else feels right to you, as the time when each individual will be ultimately responsible, from a place of integrity, for him or herself. We will have no need for rulers or governments because we will each govern ourselves with respect, with love, in cooperation with others, understanding that we are, at core, all one. We will each be the ultimate Citizen, empowered and empowering. We will no longer need to rule or be ruled, subject or be subjugated and, in Marielle’s opinion, and in mine, this will be a paradise on Earth.
Historically, Egypt has led the way many times. Maybe it is doing so again, right before our eyes and right in our hearts. I, for one, truly hope so and I wish the brave people of Egypt the will, the wisdom and the guidance to follow their hearts to personal Citizenship and freedom. It is easy to throw stones. It is easy to criticize. It is easy to destroy. It takes vision and character to see and build a New Way based on freedom, integrity, personal responsibility, cooperation, creation, abundance and joy.

Sending love and hope...

To be continued...

Chapter Sixteen Straight To The Heart

2011-01-27T22:41:00.001-08:00

STRAIGHT TO THE HEART

I am experiencing energy as shifting rapidly right now; daily and even wholly, within the day. These are not subtle shifts that I would expect to experience depending upon where I have been or with whom. These are rock ’em sock ‘em shifts of a global (and by that I mean macro) nature which I believe used to take place over a more protracted period and, as such, were not as noticeable or potentially unsettling. I say this because if I am experiencing them, you are too. You may be experiencing them as changes in mood; euphoric one minute and sad or overwhelmed the next. You may be experiencing them as fluctuations in your energy level; energetic one minute and lethargic the next. You may be experiencing them on a cognitive level; clear headed and/or intuitive one minute and lacking the ability to focus, concentrate or ground the next.

This was not what I was expecting to write about when I sat down today. I was expecting to tell you about my day yesterday and how, in the midst of all the energetic turmoil I have been experiencing, I had the most amazing day; a day in which I was totally, from the moment I awoke to the moment I went to sleep, in my heart.

Eighteen years ago yesterday at 9:18 central time I gave birth to my one and only biological child in this lifetime; let’s call him Johnathan. He has been a gift every day since January 26, 1993, and he was a gift to me again yesterday on his birthday. In the midst of all the energy shifts I have been feeling so profoundly the past few weeks I was surprised and grateful to awaken yesterday feeling so entirely present, grounded and in my heart and I can only attribute the profundity of that heart connection to the depth of my love for my son. What a gift, to know, and I mean absolutely KNOW, the size, width, breadth, steadfastness and infinite reach of my heart; my heart.

Johnathan was born on my father’s 65th birthday. I love to tell this story. When I was pregnant there was a real possibility that Johnathan would be born on or near my dad’s birthday and in those days I did not want to honor my father with the ability to share a birthday with my son. The Universe, in its infinite wisdom, even 18 years ago, let me know, soundly, that I was not in control and with the ultimate irony had me give birth on January 26th. My dad came to the hospital in Chicago from his then home in Pittsburgh, with an enormous Gund teddy-bear that my son loves to this day and two dozen apricot roses for me and he just sat by my hospital bed holding Johnathan all day. I’m crying now as I think back on what a beautiful day that was for all of us and how glad I was that “someone” knew better than the small un-evolved part of my brain what was truly important and that was and always will be LOVE.

My dad died a few years ago and having been forewarned I was able to make peace with him before he died. Since that time he has been a presence with me daily; a presence of love, encouragement and insight. So as I celebrate, with enormous gratitude, the birth of my son and honor the birth of my father, his life, the life and the opportunities for growth he has afforded me and the legacy which we both pass on to Johnathan; we offer you the gift of finding your heart or your center in the current storm, in any storm, and the understanding that the peace and contentment contained therein is the only true thing.

From my heart to yours...

To be continued...

Chapter Fifteen Humility 2011

2011-01-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

HUMILITY 2011

Hubris, excessive pride, the desire to avoid humiliation, these have been my stumbling blocks, my Achilles’ heels, my most painful lessons and my greatest sins in this lifetime. But this morning I am totally and completely in my heart and I am able to see so clearly that none of it matters. I cannot be humiliated except by my own thoughts; I have nothing to protect because, in truth, there is nothing but my heart and that is perfect and I have no one to whom I need to prove anything, not even myself. And I am just sitting here in awe and crying out of relief and the understanding that I have reached a place within me that is so fundamental there simply is not anything else or anywhere else to go. And I am breathing my gratitude, my joy and my relief at having found the fundamental place into these words so that you are able to experience them too. And I am sending my gratitude to Source and my hope and my infinite love to you as well.

I have a beautiful, smart and very special son and I am so grateful for having been the physical creator of this gifted being. And I love him so much my heart is literally overflowing right now; it is full to the point where physical pain and ecstasy intersect. Too many times in his young life he has had to be the teacher and too many times I have been too proud to acknowledge being the student.

During a recent visit to California we had a situation which could have been interpreted as my son needing to learn a lesson. And while there may be lessons there for him, once again, he is the bearer of a lesson for me. For that I am truly grateful and truly sorry. I see now that while claiming not to, I am still blaming others for my experiences, particularly my rare (Hallelujah!) experiences of unhappiness and my hubris has kept me wrapped in battle all of which translates into waves of tangled up, messed up, f***ed up energy that my son feels as an assault on his very being even though it is not directed at him. And because I love him above all others, the mirror is directly in front of me, exactly where it belongs, because it is a reminder that nothing, NOTHING, NO THING, matters except love; the free flow, give and receive, shine it out of every pore, heal myself, heal the world, 100% straight into and out of the heart kind of love I have been repeatedly told I am here to be and to shine for the benefit of all.
It’s like; if we can’t get your attention by talking directly to you, Leslie, we’ll get it by talking through the person you love the most and desire to hurt the least. GOT IT, GOT IT, GOT IT, AND GOT IT.

So, as of today, January 9, 2011, I officially renounce pride, ego and the need to battle to protect or preserve either. It just simply does not matter. I know, and I mean KNOW, I have the power to create my life differently; to create the life I want. Yes, I have the power to battle against the life that I do not want but right now that looks awfully silly and feels incredibly indirect. Let’s just do it the right way.

So, as of today, January 9, 2011, I officially claim and acknowledge my right, power and ability to have, create and en-Joy the life I desire and that includes, specifically, the people with whom I desire to populate it.

My thanks and my apologies to my son. Fortunately, you are a much quicker learner than I.

From the willingness to forego the pride within me to anything that resonates within you...

To be continued...

Chapter Fourteen I'm Waiting And I'm Not Very Good At It!

2010-12-15T18:53:00.000-08:00

I’M WAITING
AND I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT IT!

I have been itching to write for the last couple of days without having any idea of about what. There is something inside of me just bursting to get out. I have learned how to create. I have said “yes” to believing that I can (ironically, I have long believed that YOU can). I have unlimited energy for new adventures, new clients, sharing what I have learned and I just want to get up and have 20 clients a day, meeting in that most profound and fundamental of places, just spirit to spirit. And then when I’m finished with the last client I want to build new, beautiful and energetically perfect and supportive spaces for people to live and then, before I go to sleep I want to circle the globe visiting new places and cultures, just soaking it all up. And that would be just one day.

Instead of creating and building and doing my “work” I am just sitting and waiting, and waiting, and waiting and, frankly, I don’t like it and I’m not having fun. So, I’m just breathing into that sense of endless waiting and I’m feeling it in my sacral area. I’m just going to take a moment and see what is in there and then I’ll be back. I’m back.

It feels like something dead or seriously moribund. It’s just dark and lifeless, dense and obscure and it feels heavy and like the opposite of creation. I decide, instead of endlessly fighting against the waiting, to just completely give in to it and I immediately feel as though I am sinking rapidly into quicksand, just being sucked down, down, down into a morass of darkness and impermeable goo where nothing lives or breathes or moves; where things are just suspended in stasis for all time. It is so dark and dense in there I cannot even breathe and I am forcing myself to breathe as I sit here and experience this place.

I ask “what is this place?” I hear “it is my home” but that does not feel correct. I believe it is the residue of all the dashed hopes and dreams of all the lifetimes and I know there have been many. And these little bits of residue have just collected over millennia in this dark and airless place. I see stillborn children and desires that were just so sharp and clear and full of optimism until they, one by one, did not come to fruition. And I now see why I have been pressing my higher self and my Guides so very hard lately to bring one of my “creations” home, to three dimensional reality. It feels as though, if that happens, I will be “vindicated”. Interesting word. I say, with relish, “we are vindicated” several times and I feel the dark airless area start to lighten and clear. I don’t even know what this means but it is clearly what I have been waiting to hear and feel. I hear “our belief has not been foolish”. We are vindicated. We were right to believe.

I continue to talk to my body. I tell it I want to believe and as I say it I feel some resistance higher up in my solar plexus. The resistance has a voice and it says “I want proof!” It is pointing and tapping its finger on the table; “I want proof!” And now I’m in my heart where I feel a sadness and a heaviness. Some part of me is speaking, saying, “it’s all right, just let go.” “Just let go.” “Just let go,” “Just let go.” “After all, what choice do you have? The old way is not working.” “Try it our way, what do you have to lose?” “My life” is the answer I hear. “Well, really, you’re not enjoying it that much anyway, are you?” is the answer I hear. “That’s true.” I’m constantly pushing, striving, challenging and fighting for more even though more is now more sense of my connection to All That Is. There is, I now see, a part of me that still wants to do it the OLD way, push, push, push to Enlightenment. And I have to laugh at myself, which I do and am.

I ask if I am ready to let go of this, these places, and I hear “no”, “not yet.” Okay so I am going to sit with this for a bit, be with it until it is ready to move but I can already sense how much space will be freed up inside me when it is ready to move and I am excited at the prospect.

So, thank you for sharing this part of the journey with me. I will let you know when things are ready to shift as I believe many of us will be shifting together.

From the awareness of a dark and heavy place within me to the awareness of the things you may still be holding within you...

To be continued...

Chapter Thirteen The Dawn Of My New Age

2010-11-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

THE DAWN OF MY NEW AGE

I have been engaged in a workshop the past three weeks with some brave and wonderful women, by each of whom I would be honored to be deemed a friend. We are learning to TRUST; no more and no less. Interestingly, what and whom we are learning to TRUST is ourselves; no more and no less. We are learning to trust and believe that we each love, revere and honor our self enough to create whatever life remains to us as one filled with love, joy and abundance; and possibly far more but certainly no less. I know that we each already know that we can create; although we may have fooled ourselves into believing that we cannot. What we are learning and will have mastered by the end of this pivotal year of 2010 is that we can trust and trust in our creations; that we can believe we have eliminated any vestigial pockets of unworthiness that would skew, maim or distort our creations. We are learning to trust and believe that it is safe to both feel and display the joy in our oceanic hearts that comes from knowing that we can create, henceforth, only for our highest good in a way that brings more joy and love and abundance into each of our lives.

On Monday we did two exercises in the workshop. We each looked at our deepest fears and at how and why we have each played or seen our self as the victim. I thought I would experience my victimhood somewhere between my solar plexus and my root. Interestingly, I felt it in my heart. When I looked inside I saw that my heart had a very large thick wall running through it. I asked the wall to leave for a bit as I explored what was behind it. I found a whole young fresh and innocent part of my heart which looked a lot like a newborn baby with large and blinking eyes that were not quite adjusted to the light and this newborn piece of my heart has just been hanging out behind the wall forever, or at least for the last 58 years.

I just sat with the newborn part of my heart for a while, allowing it to start to integrate with the rest of my heart and I asked the wall to leave permanently, thanking it for having “protected” the newborn and innocent part of my heart from harm. I did some ceremony for the wall, ultimately sending it, as pure energy, back to Source, and then had an almost overwhelming experience of how huge, indeed, Oceanic, my full heart is.

In the second exercise we were invited to accompany the Guides we have been given for the workshop (and longer if we choose) to our deepest fears with the intention of fully exploring them and the limitations they have engendered. We were each further invited to notice how our fears have been protecting us or giving us the illusion of safety.

Again, I was surprised by what I found. My only remaining but by far largest fear was that I will not have love in this lifetime (or maybe just that I will not have love, period). And when I asked how that fear has been protecting me I saw how it has allowed me to make safe choices; to not take risks emotionally. Again, I thanked my fear for doing what it deemed best to keep me “safe” but invited it to let go. If my biggest desire is to really experience all the love I can there is no place for fear that I will not be loved and I officially decided, then and there, that I want all the love I can get. I will take it, gladly, and give it back, gladly. I will revel in it, take it in, mix it with my own, and send it back out again multiplied exponentially for the use and good of all. And I’m just sitting for a moment taking all of this in. A life without fear; a life with unlimited love; a heart with no limitations; All That Is.

From the desire to experience total freedom in a human body within me the desire to experience total freedom in a human body within you (and a special thanks to my brilliant and constant Guides)...

To be continued...

Chapter Twelve Warrior Heart

2010-11-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

WARRIOR HEART

Since discovering this week that I am a warrior with the heart of a warrior I have thought, and felt, a lot about what that means. What is the heart of a warrior?

A warrior’s heart is true. It is large, huge even. It is focused. That on which it is focused is justice (admittedly, each warrior’s definition of justice), protecting those within his or her purview, defending “right” and honor, accomplishing the objective and returning home safely and, hopefully, in one piece (that would be Jewish princess warriors at least).

A warrior’s heart is filled with the love of adventure. A warrior’s heart is thrilled by the challenge of conquering and mastering the unknown. A warrior’s heart knows its true power and does not apologize, disguise or make excuses for it. A warrior’s heart is filled with love; of self, of other and even of his “adversary”. A warrior’s heart is strong. It beats resoundingly, and it is ultimately reliable.

A warrior’s heart experiences fear but does not experience it as paralyzing. A warrior’s heart experiences fear as the exhilaration before the battle, the anticipation of challenge, the ultimate stage fright. Indeed, a warrior’s heart is emboldened and quickened by the “fear”. A warrior’s heart says “Yes, I feel fear, but it is only one of the emotions I am feeling, it is only one of the things that define me, it is only a piece of the whole and I use it and its energy to move me on to victory”.

A warrior’s heart does not crave or even seek war. A warrior’s heart reveres and appreciates peace; knowing that peace is necessary to foster the stability required for growth. A warrior’s heart does not flinch, however, at the prospect of conflict also knowing that there are times when it is necessary to stand strongly in support or defense of its ideals.

A warrior’s heart respects the fair fight and the worthy opponent. A warrior’s heart respects itself. This warrior’s heart is strong and this warrior’s heart is gentle. This warrior’s heart is filled with love and anticipation but let it be known, in song, in deed and in word; this is a warrior’s heart.

Chapter Eleven A Conversation With Myself

2010-11-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

A CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

My friend, Nicole Whitney, several brave souls, and I started a workshop last night. I asked each of us a series of questions such as:

Are you willing to be your True Self?

Are you willing to experience your Power?

Are you willing to look at all your Fears?

Are you willing to let go of Control?

Are you willing to Trust?

We each answered all of the questions and felt for the truth of our answers. My “real” answers were a bit of a surprise; my lack of awareness or my ego having told me that the answers to each of the questions would be “yes”. My “real” answers clearly not being a resounding “yes” what followed was this conversation with all of me.

Q. What is my True Self?
A. I am a warrior with the heart of a warrior.

Q. What is my hesitation in being my true self?
A. I’m tired of fighting.

Q. Do I know another way to get things done?
A. Not really.

Q. What happens when I let go of Control?
A. People die, people get hurt, devastation.

Q. If I could let go of control and know that people are safe and possibly even better
off would I?
A. Yes

Q. What fears do I still have?
A. That I won’t be fully supported.

Q. When is the last time I experienced being fully supported?
A. Never-there is no memory within my field of being fully supported in a way I
could rely on.

Q. How does that feel?
A. Just achingly sad and lonely in a bottomless way that spans all time.

Q. Why might I have chosen to learn from the experiences of not being fully supported?
A. I became really good at supporting myself.

Q. Is it possible I have over-learned that lesson so that I am now out of balance?
A. Absolutely.

Q. What is the lesson around this issue for this lifetime?
A. It’s time to take a chance again.

Q. How does that make me feel?
A. Nauseated. I really feel as though if I am let down again my spirit will be irrevocably
damaged. “I” will disappear completely.

Q. What if this is the lifetime where our decision to “Trust” reaps huge rewards-in
all realms; spiritually, emotionally, materially?
A. I really want to believe. I know that this life is a “waste” if I’m not willing to learn to
believe.

Q. Do I currently feel that I can rely on “people”?
A. Mainly

Q. Do I currently believe that I can rely on my “higher self”?
A. No. I want to and I’m afraid to.

Q. Why?
A. Part of me does not understand how a loving higher self could have chosen such
incredibly painful lessons. Now I’m wanting to micromanage my higher self just as
I have micromanaged other things so that I can always “see” what is coming. No
wonder I’m exhausted! I’m feeling so fragile, like I cannot take more painful
surprise-even for the purpose of learning and growth.

I want ease and joy and love and freedom and fun.

Q. How can I be fully in alignment if I don’t trust my higher self?
A. I can’t. It won’t work.

Q. How do I see this being resolved?
A. I don’t

Q. NOT ACCEPTABLE: GO DEEPER!
A. I just have to relinquish the “reins” and hope for the best. (I then have an experience
where I’m just free floating in space-a molecule alone. I offer up my molecule self
and I float upward for a while-alone- but it’s not so scary-and then I’m enfolded in my
own arms)

Q. Do I deserve to have it easier?
A. I hear “no”.

Q. If I were to tell the truth about how I’m feeling would I deserve it?
A. Yes. I want to trust. I’m willing to be willing to trust. Somebody say Amen!

From the willingness to be willing within me to the...oh, you get it!

To be continued...

Chapter Ten What Is So Compelling About Being The Victim?

2010-11-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS SO COMPELLING ABOUT
BEING THE VICTIM?

In our place of “victim” there is warmth, the feeling of a nest, a certain coziness, a feeling of protection and a sense of safety. This nest is not a lofty perch though; it does not see the light of day or feel the breeze of fresh air. It is a subterranean nest-one deep inside that is hidden and hard for anyone but you to reach. It is surrounded by walls of human tissue, sometimes encased in steel; and there is no room for it to grow or transform.

In this room of victimhood we have enshrined our self loathing, and all of our excuses for why we can’t be “more”. We have deposited our fears there and they have grown roots like mushrooms growing on the detritus of the dark and cool forest floor. It is a place of some warmth; the things growing there do create some warmth and it does have an energy but the frequency is low and weak and the soil is not fertile-at least not for fresh ideas.

Even as we proclaim that it is not- we know in our hearts that this place is COMFORTABLE. We can live, and die, there in comfort; but we will never see the light of day or feel the warmth of the sun or the fresh air or the glow in our hearts or the joy and excitement of going beyond; of reaching out, of letting go, of trusting.

We cannot create and be a victim at the same time unless what we are creating is more victimhood.

Victimhood is the Soul Mate of Control. We do not control unless we fear we will be the victim. One does not, indeed cannot, exist without the other.

The need to control is experienced higher-within the heart chakra. Our place of victim is located in the sacral chakra. As has been explained to me previously and as I have explained-our place of creation is from the heart and the sacral-in combination-so I now see the whole picture.

We must be willing to give up control and its faithful partner, victimhood, to be truly free-to truly free up the spaces of creation for loftier pursuits.

From the Creator within me to the Creator within you...

To be continued...

Chapter Nine Where's My Party?!

2010-10-31T14:03:00.000-07:00

WHERE’S MY PARTY?!

I had the joy of speaking to my good friend and former law school roommate this week. She lives in a suburb of Chicago and I live on Vancouver Island and we have not spoken in a while. It was not only wonderful to catch up on current events; the conversation led me recall our years together as twenty-somethings living in a very cool and popular apartment in Chicago. Without a doubt, we gave the best parties and our place was the most fun place to be (except during our semi-regular nervous breakdowns which included copious tears, wailing, breast beating and certainty that we would be flunking out of school any minute).

Remembering back to that time (which was over 30 years ago) I think I was a fun person. I know we did “fun” things. I know we did crazy things. And I know I was unconscious (translate as: in a state of spiritual non-awakening; do not translate as in a state of externally induced inebriation) most of the time. I’m just sitting here, not exactly remembering, but rather, feeling back to me at that time to see if I was happy or merely acting as a beautiful, smart, hip, young, got the world by the balls person would ACT when happy and having fun. And, truly, I don’t know.

One of the lessons I have created in this life has to do with finding, living and feeling strong enough to display to the world my happiness, my PARTY. I actually had my heart’s desire as a child, at least for a while. Having a truckload of reasons to feel guilty about having attained my guilty pleasure and having no context for sharing that information I learned to shelter it within myself. When the reality of my situation was made all too clear to me and I felt humiliation to my core because I had so profoundly misperceived the situation I was glad I had kept my joy to myself. Later, my first step-mother, a supremely insecure and unhappy woman, derived joy from raining on the parades of others and the perception that it was best to keep my good news and happiness to under wraps was reinforced.

I am sitting in my office typing these words but the majority of ME is back in time feeling and re-experiencing the sadness that came with the awareness that the only way to hang on to any of the happy bits was to enfold them within my being and enjoy them privately and almost silently because to display them would inevitably lead to them being taken away or tarnished beyond recognition. I realized, in the wake of talking to Karen this week, that although I am now an extremely joyful person and inside my body I am joy incarnate and while I hope I now project this joy, the real party is still kept safely inside me.

As I talked to my friend, mentor and colleague, Nicole Whitney, this week about the location of The Party, she said (and rightly so) that the party is “here”, meaning in meeting the callers to our show at the most fundamental level of spirit. I knew that but also needed to be reminded of it. While the source of my joy is me these days it is definitely inspired, stimulated and mobilized by meeting other spirits in that most elemental place. And, having said all of that, there is more of a PARTY to be had and lived, at least for me, and I want it. More importantly, I want it as a complete experience, not only as one that is private and sanctified (by me). I want bells and whistles and champagne (the expensive kind) and music and dancing and party hats and all of my heart (and any of your hearts that would like to join) to be in attendance, out in the open, out loud.

So, just as I came out of the spiritual closet with my teaching and healing gifts last year. This year, in fact, now, I’m officially coming out of the Serious Person Closet. I’m outing my PARTY SELF. There has been a party, of one and for one, going on within this body for years. I’m taking down the last remaining walls of me, for me, and unleashing the Party. So get ready. Hear me roar. We’re gonna’ party like it’s 11/1/2010. OMG, there are at least a million of them.

Come join me. Let’s celebrate this life. Let’s celebrate our being(s).

From the unleashing of the party within me to the unleashing of the fundamental you within you...
To be continued...

Chapter Eight The Next Three Years

2010-10-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

THE NEXT THREE YEARS

I have so much about which to write, so many themes I am working on, so much to say and understand that I am about to burst. I will try to express all of this in some coherent cohesive manner that I hope will make sense, at least to me, when I am finished.

I had a birthday last Friday, my 58th. I always love my birthdays. It has, historically, been a day where I honor myself and allow (read in some cases demand that) others honor me too. There are so many ways in which I have changed, even in the last year, and so much evidence again, at least to me, of that change. So when my birthday dawned this year, and it usually dawns about a month before the actual event so as to leave ample time for shopping and gifts, the first thing I noticed is that I did not start thinking about it until it was almost upon me. I did not think (read worry or fret) about who would or would not acknowledge me or my “big” day. Unlike last year where I was grappling with feeling worthy to receive all the love that was showered upon me, this year I actually know that I am loved and, more importantly, I know that I am lovable. And I am just sitting here appreciating that feeling and that awareness and smiling as I sit.

The Themes
My Will vs. my Knowing
The continuing choice to say Yes
Willingness to continue expanding my Heart
Learning to truly Create
The ongoing demise of the Ego

I have never been this happy or content in my life. I have found my core, I even painted it, and it is a beautiful, glowing, warm place that I see and feel as this gorgeous orange energy. Now that I have found it, it is always there for me. Even when I have the experience of feeling completely scattered, if I call on it and draw my attention to it all my little seemingly disconnected pieces just fly together in the middle of my solar plexus and I am Home. I am so just completely grateful to have discovered this place there are no words to adequately express it. I believe I have waited my whole life to find the place of Home within me. So, there it is.

Moving on; I grappled for several months, maybe a whole lifetime, with the meaning (for me) of giving up control or, at least, of turning control over to the wisdom and power of the intentions I have set for this part of my life. One of my biggest lessons this year and I did not master it until very recently, is that I do trust (the Universe, Source, my Guidance System, my Higher Self, the more Expanded Part of Me-however you relate to this concept) to have my back. I trust that I will be treated gently. I trust that I will be treated fairly-according to my definition of “fair”. I trust that I will be treated well, again, according to my definition of “well”. I trust that I will be guided clearly and gently and with humor. I trust that I have created Love and Adventure and the Material Ability to Enjoy the love and the adventure. I trust that I can just relax and trust and not have to watch my life and those in it with vigilance lest I be caught by surprise as I believed myself to have been as a child.

The picture of my life would appear to have continued to be uncertain. My friend is still working on his big real estate deal and has not repaid me. I am still holding him able and accountable both in terms of integrity and materially to do so. I not only have a debt to the IRS, I also have a son preparing to go to college and my intention is to be able to pay both EASILY and JOYFULLY and I know, in my heart, that it will all work out just fine-big energy on that!

I decided to learn to create, not just manifest (and I’m not sure that I can articulate the difference) in part because I have an endless fascination with the feeling of being one with ALL THAT IS (my words for it) and, I have to admit, in part because I want to hurry things along. Hence, The Will vs. The Knowing. I’m like, alright already, I know it’s going to happen but I want it to happen now! And that is just the lack of trust; the need for CERTAINTY talking. So, I officially do not care! I have asked for certain things to occur and I know that I have no filters left that would dictate their non-occurrence. I just want to have some fun and as my birthday gift to myself, that is what I am going to do: which brings me to another lesson presented by this birthday.

When I was 49, well before I stepped firmly into my gifts, I consulted, for the last time, a very gifted psychic. I had consulted her a few times previously and she had routinely nailed many things that happened in the ensuing years. That day she told me that my father would die when I was 54. At that point (and continuing to the day he died) my father was the picture of vigor and health. Nonetheless, I had a lot of respect for her abilities and I used those years to heal all of the outstanding issues I had with my dad, and I believe that he had with me. He did, indeed, die when I was 54. There is much more to the story but it is not relevant for this story. That day my friend the psychic also told me that I would have a near death experience when I was 60.

Truthfully, at the time she said it the idea of it scared the C**p out of me. All I could envision was more pain wrapped in the form of some horrible body-crushing accident that would not actually kill me but, of course, would leave me really crudded up. I have to admit that as I write this I’m sitting here smiling at how ridiculous it sounds. Anyway, as the day of my 58th birthday dawned I was very aware of my impending 60th birthday and the prognostication of an impending near death experience.

I also have to admit that I would love to have the experience provided by a near death experience and in many ways feel that I have had that experience already. My solar plexus is tight as I get ready to type the rest of that thought, which is; I want to have it without the near death part, or at least the near death part occasioned by nearly dying. OMG, I’m laughing out loud at this. The good news is that I get absolutely no energy on having some horrible and painful near death experience at 60, or any other age for that matter. I absolutely cannot believe that I am creating any more pain in this life and certainly not the kind that would result in nearly dying. So, bring on the connection at the deepest and most profound level, with All That Is. I give up control. You all can just keep the near death until I’m ready to actually go! My commitment is to live my life to the fullest every day. I give my physical and ego self over to the connection with All That Is until the day that my physical and ego selves are no longer needed and all that remains is my song as a part of All That Is.

So, I think that’s it for today. Happy Birthday to me! Happy Life to us all.

To be continued...

Chapter Seven Who Said Spiritual People Do Not Want To Be In Control?

2010-08-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

WHO SAID SPIRITUAL PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO BE IN CONTROL?

Well, I certainly didn't! I have been consciously agreeing to let go of control-then reaching a new plateau where I desire to control again-and agreeing to let go of yet another layer-level-of control.

I know the freedom is in the letting go of the need or desire to control my life, the outcome, and in simply setting my intentions and then allowing the creation to take place. And still, sitting here this morning, I just want to control, or feel like I have control over, some aspect of my life; I don't even care which right now. It's like OMG-just let me be in control of some damn thing!

I'm about 99% sure that the intensity of this feeling is related to the couple I'm going to be working with this afternoon- as a guidepost to what we need to work with; nevertheless, I cannot and will not deny that I, I, the ego I, feel out of control and it's causing dis-ease within my body and my energy field.

There were so many circumstances in my childhood over which I had absolutely no control. My parents splitting up; being sexualized; spending every weekend and holiday of my life from the age of seven on traveling from my real home to my father's house some 60 miles away where, if my stepsister were there, could be fun but, if not, was the loneliest and most isolated place on the planet.

I learned early that the only thing I could control was my food intake, choosing to eat or not, regardless of all the flapping on the issue engaged in by the adults in my life. And now, when so many of the circumstances of my life seem uncertain (in ten months the primary role of my life for the past 17 1/2 years will be over, or at least substantially changed; I'm not sure where I will be living-or how-; my debt to the IRS remains unpaid and is growing; my loan has not been repaid) the residual part of me that craves certainty wants to "make" something happen and wants to make it happen NOW so that I can experience a temporary feeling of "safety" so that I can have a demonstration of my ability to manifest notwithstanding that I have had countless such demonstrations. I want it NOW and I feel like a seven year old with her hands on her hips having a tantrum, stamping her feet and shouting I WANT IT NOW!

Actually, I would like to have it rain for 15 minutes so I don't have to schlep the hoses around and water the plants because the damn irrigation system is not done yet!

And after that I'd like the first million (back)and then I'm good!

So what do I know? Or at the very least, believe? All of the major circumstances of my life were decided by me before I became me in this lifetime. I chose all these lessons and those who have helped me experience them solely for the purpose of learning more about, and by so doing "growing" myself. Needing or wanting to control means that I either do not TRUST that I am worthy to have, in all respects, the life that I desire or that I have somehow chosen more "hard" lessons with the result that I will not have the life I truly desire. Sitting here, processing as I write, I have to say that last bit does not FEEL correct. I do not feel, which with me equates to "believe" that I have created more "hard" or painful or devastating or lonely lessons. I am at least willing to believe that the remaining lessons will be through joy and fulfillment and the empowerment that flows from seeing and experiencing my creations.

So where am I right now on the issue of Control? I can see and feel the humor. I still want the first million (back) but I am willing to wait, a bit, in the joy of expectation and the possibility that the physical manifestation of my creation will actually far exceed the dream.

From the relinquishment of control within (and with-out) me to the Trust that transcends control within all of us...

To be continued...

Chapter Five I Found My Core

2010-08-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

I FOUND MY CORE

I realize it has been quite a while since I have written but I promise you I have been experiencing and learning. I think I’ll start with yesterday and this morning and work backward. Yesterday I took my son to see “Eat, Pray, Love” which was much more solid and profound than I thought it was going to be. In fact, I enjoyed it so much and related to it so strongly that I am going to buy the book today. In case you don’t know, it is the story of a woman who loses herself in order to find herself; and she does, with Javier Bardem and Bali as part of the package. As charming and intelligent as the film is, I was even more thrilled that a film about finding the spirit or “God” within features the most celebrated Hollywood stars and is the biggest hit of the season.

As we meet the heroine, whose name I cannot remember, but call her “Me”, she is dead within; separated from any of her passion be it for food, or life, or sex or love. She is in a perfectly acceptable marriage with a man who believes he loves her but she cannot feel a thing. One night she gets on her knees and prays to God for the answers, for a sign as to which way to go; stay or leave, sink or swim. I don’t want to reveal too much of the plot but suffice it to say that she leaves and in the journey finds that she is God, that she is the Creator, because God the Creator is in all of us and is all of us and in finding her Soul she is set free. She recognizes that although, at times, she is not Ready for change, she is Willing and she comes to understand that the Willingness is Everything. The Willingness sets in motion the opportunities for Lessons that bring Change to come to us.

As I thought about the message of the film and why it resonated (you all know that is one of my favorite words) with me so strongly I realized that this morning I am very proud of myself. I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF! And it has nothing to do with my looks or my brains or even my heart this morning. I am proud of myself because I am so freakin’ WILLING. And I am, above all else, WILLING. And I am just feeling so connected to my heart right now and I have so much appreciation for my willingness to be whole and happy and loving and to find all of me and to help all of you who are willing and want my help to find all of yourselves too.

Not a segue

I have been working on a new painting for more than a month. Interestingly, as I have progressed down to my real core issues the paintings I use to help shift my energetic blocks take longer and longer to complete. I have been working on it for so long I don’t even recall the name I originally assigned to it and to the issue.

I have known that it is working on my sacral chakra; the seat of creation within me and it is orange (at least several of the layers). I had felt really stagnant in relation to the painting (literally and metaphorically) for weeks but last week I had a burst of insight as to what to do with it and to it and somehow a ball of “stuff” (that is the technical name for it) that I have been holding and possibly protecting in my sacral chakra for eons (literally) started to move. I was able to take myself inside of it and see myself in some life floating in dark murky water; it felt like in the hold of a ship, and I was just so incredibly tired and worn out from trying. I was tired to the bone and so hopeless; I could barely move my arms and I just wanted to give up. I just wanted to give up. I just wanted to stop trying so hard and to give up; and I’m sitting here crying out of compassion for how hard I have tried, probably forever and I’m breathing that compassion into these words as I put them on the page and I’m sending it to each and all of you who are tired of trying so very hard and are feeling so very tired from all your effort. AND THEN I DECIDED TO GIVE UP. I asked myself what would happen if I did just give up and I felt a release way down in my lower back and I JUST GAVE UP and I blessed and thanked all of my selves for all the “trying” and all the efforts in all of the lifetimes and I knew that I was healing all of me for all time and I knew that it would never be or have to be that hard ever again.

I felt the ball of “stuff” start to go and I sent Reiki to my sacral area and just sent all the love and gratitude and healing I was able to shove over and allow to come through me to myself and to my exhaustion from “trying”. When I awoke the next morning, the ball of “stuff” was gone and in its place was and has remained a feeling of peace and “normalcy” and contentment.

End of not a segue

So you can see I have been shifting big time and then yesterday morning I had another insight for the almost end of the painting which I believe I am going to call Freedom For All Time. I did the work (play) with the painting, went to the film and woke up in the middle of the night (having been visited by my Grandma before I went to sleep-she “niced” my head) and saw and felt my CORE. It absolutely took my breath away. It was and, even as I sit here now and go to it, is, the quietest, truest, most beautiful, peaceful but energized and colorful place I could imagine and I am just over the top in joy and humbled at the same time for the unbelievable gift of MY CORE and the knowledge and experience of MY CORE.

So, I thought I sat down to write more about my experiences of the past month but, wrong again! Thank you for allowing me to share this experience with you and I hope it will bring you hope and I am sending you HOPE along with my love and gratitude for all that you are.

From the very exciting and wonderful CORE within me to the: I don’t have words to describe how incredibly cool CORE within each of you…..

To be continued…

Chapter Four Addendum; My Limitation Chronicles

2010-07-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

ADDENDUM:
MY LIMITATION CHRONICLES

Well, something about this relationship thing must be in the air because my ex-husband, let’s call him X-1 (about to be X-2); cold; telephoned me yesterday after years of no contact. We had a lovely chat and it was really nice to hear from him and to hear that he is happy. He has been in a relationship with someone I believe to be perfect for him and he, as with all of us, deserves to have it “ALL”. But, I have to admit, and I do have to admit, that all my remaining stuff came up for several minutes following the call. Judgment: how can he get it together to have a stable relationship when I can’t? Embarrassment: how can he get it together to have a stable relationship when I can’t? Self pity: how can he get it together to have a stable relationship when I can’t?

And I just sat with all of it and felt it; in my heart and in my solar plexus and in my throat and in my center of creation and in a place way, way, way, way back; so far back that it had no words, only raw emotion.

And then I knew; his life has nothing to do with mine. I don’t know his life plan or his creation. Possibly it included figuring out the relationship thing (if we are looking at a linear time line) before me. There is no comparison or point of comparison; we are not apples and apples or even apples and oranges; we are just two spirits here to learn some things about ourselves and if he has mastered this relationship thing then I say WAY TO GO, BOY!

There is a tendency to go to the “Smidge Theory” which is: there is only one smidge of love, money, happiness, whatever, to go around and if one person gets the smidge there will be nothing left for me, or you, or anyone else. So, we have to fight for the smidge or envy the smidge or worship at the altar of the smidge and, generally, feel bad if we don’t get it or have it. But the Smidge is just another manifestation of unworthiness, dressed as something else. Behind the Smidge Theory is the belief that I am not worthy to have it all so if you have “it” I can’t possibly have “it” too. It’s just another way we get to beat ourselves up or feel bad about ourselves.

So, this is what I do know and, more importantly, FEEL: I have saved my biggest lesson for last and that is around relationships. I know I am worthy to have my Wow. I don’t know for certain but I strongly suspect that I have created a life plan that most definitely includes my Wow and I’m pretty sure that’s before I’m like 97. I want to have it all and I can have it all and if I can then so can you and so can my ex and your ex and all our friends and children and mothers and fathers, sisters, brothers, lovers and dentists.

After the call, in the midst of my stuff I had to laugh and thank the Universe for sending the lessons so quickly and so perfectly.

I think that’s it for today. From the smidgelessness within me to the….

To be continued…

Chapter Three Who Said Spiritual People Have To Live Without Ushy-Gushy Love?

2010-07-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

WHO SAID SPIRITUAL PEOPLE HAVE TO LIVE
WITHOUT USHY-GUSHY UP CLOSE
AND PERSONAL LOVE?

Well, apparently until this week, I did. As I explained in my last installment; having delayed saying the words “It’s Done” because I felt I had not learned the lesson(s) I was delighted and surprised to find that, having said the words, the lessons became clear.

Before I write another word I have to own that I am way outside my comfort level with what I am about to write. Given the nature of everything I have shared thus far you might wonder how that could be but, trust me, there will be some serious growth in today’s offering so stick around.

Ok, here’s the deal; I’m a babe: Read BABE; even at 57. So you can probably imagine that in my earlier years I was a SERIOUS BABE. I understand that all of the serious men in my life, read- the men I have allowed to become serious in my life-have been wowed by me. I am tall, beautiful, excellent body, smart, funny, soulful, energetic and sexy. Please bear with me, this is not an ode to me or some weird ego trip; I need to say these things out loud for me because I have to be honest with myself about what I bring to the table and have brought to the table for a long time. I have also been unbelievably insecure, controlling, jealous, manipulative and at times, dishonest, in relation to the men in my life which has probably more than balanced out the good stuff.

Truthfully, other than briefly with my son’s father, I have never allowed myself to get close to a man who wowed me back. And I am just pausing in the space of knowing that I am 57, have been married 4 times, had countless (and I do mean unable to count that high) relationships with men and have thus far only allowed myself to be with men for whom there was no Wow. And I am feeling my heart open right now and in it is sadness for me and the knowing that I have spent my life running full speed away from the thing I also wanted the most; to be in love with and live my life with my Wow. I have consistently chosen less than because I have not felt worthy to have my Wow. And now my solar plexus is opening as is the heart chakra at my back.

There have been two Wows in my life, ironically with the same first name. I met the first in my late 20s and the second in my mid 40s. The first liked me tremendously and, notwithstanding that I had pursued him, I pushed him away in a very hurtful manner. The second was as terrified of being crushed as I was with the result that a mutual attraction never went farther than that. I thought my current husband could be a Wow and I have pushed and prodded the poor man to make him go there which must have felt unbelievably horrible.

Hence my lesson; if I am going to have it “ALL” this time “all” for me includes a Wow and I can’t pretend anymore that a perfectly lovely person is a Wow just because I am afraid that the Wow who initially finds me to also be a Wow will somehow find me Wow-less as he gets to know me. And I am just breathing into the idea of being open to love and that love will last and grow and that I am worthy of having every last drop of it for the rest of this life. My heart is very full right now with the promise of that love and I hope you feel this as I send it through my fingers and on to this page because it feels perfect and complete.

So, if you are not currently with your Wow and if having it “all” for you includes a Wow, I wish you your Wow and all the love and fun and passion and friendship that go along with it.

From the wow-ness of me to the wow-ness of you…

To be continued…..

Chapter Two Who Said Spiritual People Have To Live In Lack?

2010-07-02T07:17:00.001-07:00

WHO SAID SPIRITUAL PEOPLE
HAVE TO LIVE IN LACK?

My morning started early with an email from my husband. This week, after going
back and forth for months, we finally decided to end the marriage, lessons
learned, or not (but that’s for another entry). In order to set the stage for what I
want to discuss today I am going to have to give you more information about my
life than you probably wanted so let me apologize now.

Anyone who has read my first blog knows that I loaned a good friend a lot of money which, to this day, has not been repaid. The other segment of my s***load of money went into building an incredible house in which I currently live with my 17 year old son and my husband.

Since I sold all of my businesses last year and decided to pursue my current consulting practice, this practice that I love so much it hurts right this moment, this practice which brings me so much joy and fulfillment; my husband has been the main provider of money. (I’m hesitating calling it “money” but that is the correct word because, somehow it doesn’t feel like abundance.)

This morning’s email from him explained that he wants to put our house on the market immediately so that he can take his share of the proceeds and move along. The reason I am explaining all of this is because at 6:30 a.m. as I read the email I went to fear. I felt that cold sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach about living in lack.

My son goes to a private school just down the street from our house and my intention and my wish are to keep us in this house and him in that school for one more year until he graduates. I have taken him through a lot of changes in his short life (I know he has agreed to these on another level) and again, my intention and my wish are that neither he nor I have to undergo any more changes of that nature for the next 12 months. So, you can see, all my remaining stuff came right to the surface. My guilt about being a bad mother, my fear that I will not be able to provide the same standard of living for the person I love the most in the world and whom I want the least in the world to let down. And I am sitting here just crying and feeling all of that love and guilt just wash through me. And for a few minutes my conscious brain kicked in and tried to “figure” it out “logically”; the money, how much there would be, how I could “make it work”.

And I (the more expanded I) just watched all of this and thanked my lucky stars for yet another opportunity to let go of more so as to make space for more. The truth is my conscious brain does not know how all of this is going to turn out. But I was given an opportunity to check in with my beliefs and I absolutely know in my heart that I have been asked to take this path and to do this work and that I will be ABUNDANTLY SUPPORTED in doing it and my arms are one big goose-bump right now and I’m laughing because that feels so gooooooood.

It is, indeed, the perfect day for this. My good friend Helen is coming over in an hour and we are going to do another “re-birthing” to clear out some more junk and then we are going to use our gifts to tap into the universal stream of abundance. You see, I am spirit in a 3D body and I don’t have, and more importantly, need, to live in lack. What is a greater celebration of spirit and unconditional love than living in abundance, huge, whopping, overwhelming, gorgeous, visceral, tangible, spendable even, abundance. We are here to learn joy and love and to live joy and love and I have to tell you as a card carrying member of the Jewish Princess of America Club, abundance is joy to me!

Wow, that feels way better. Thank you for hanging in there with me and I hope the journey I just took on this page was beneficial for you too.

From the incredible, unstoppable, eternal, joyful abundance within me to all of those things within you…

To be continued…….

Chapter One Who Said Spiritual People Have To Dress Badly?

2010-07-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

WHO SAID SPIRITUAL PEOPLE
HAVE TO DRESS BADLY?

Hello again. If you recall, my name is Susan Leslie Kleiman but no one other than my second grade teacher for a period of six months or so, has ever called me Susan. As I sit here now, for the very first time, I understand why I consented to the brief change of identity at the ripe old age of 6 or 7. Susan does not suit me (absolutely no disrespect intended to the millions of perfectly excellent, wonderful, beautiful, smart and exceedingly accomplished Susans out there). I am and, at least in this lifetime, will evermore, be a Leslie.

There are many other things that I will always be, largely by choice and notwithstanding my decision to live on Vancouver Island in British Columbia, Canada for the past 17 years. So, I will always be a Jewish Princess (although I hesitate to call myself a princess at fifty-seven). I clearly cannot call myself a Queen, mainly because I was not actually born to a royal family and secondarily because it has implications of political correctness and gender that I would rather avoid.

Similarly, I will always think of myself as an American, first, notwithstanding my love and respect for the other country kind enough to offer me shelter and citizenship. I will always be and think of myself as a lawyer, albeit, non-practicing. I will always consider myself a west coast person although the majority of my life was spent in Chicago. Any RCMP officers reading this please avert your eyes; I will always be a speedy driver, although I have had fewer tickets since I put the radar detector away and started to rely on my intuition. I will always be attracted to magazines in this order; fashion, decorating, automobiles, lifestyle, news and only if I am utterly bored and the doctor is running over an hour late, gossip.

This last fact about me segues neatly into the theme of today’s offering: who said spiritual people have to dress badly? Now I know that may seem frivolous, but it is an extremely serious and important question. One of the topics I often encounter when dealing with clients, friends and my own stuff, is limiting beliefs; which is why I have named this second blog The Limitation Chronicles.

As humans we have these brains and they really need something to do or else we go haywire and end up institutionalized. One of the main things they do is create belief patterns that are filled with opinions, judgments, philosophies and a lot of other essentially useless nonsense. One’s belief patterns, whether or not explicitly expressed, are obvious, with scrutiny. And the intent of this new Chronicle is to examine those believe patterns, how they manifest themselves in the ways in which we live our lives and, most importantly, what is beneath them that drives them.

2

If you have read any of my previous essays or heard me speak you probably know that I believe one of the main (and possibly the main) things we all have in common is that we have come to this planet in this lifetime to resolve fundamental issues around self worth. Our lessons around self worth may take on different shades and gradations but if you peel away the layers, at core, you will find a human who does not feel worthy to have…..whatever it is that has been eluding him or her.

So, why would spiritual people feel that it is somehow non-spiritual to dress well or fashionably or expensively? Why would spiritual people feel that it is non-spiritual to go to a hairdresser or wear makeup? Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not advocating that people have to dress well, have good hair or wear makeup. What I am questioning is why some people might believe those things to be anathema to spirit. What is holy about doing without? Scratch that judgment and I believe what lies beneath is a belief that we are not worthy to have it “all”; a belief that if we are going to have spirit in our lives we do not deserve to also have materialism or material success. I feel a real opening in my solar plexus as I type this so I know there is healing in these words. I am just sitting here breathing that energy into this offering and it feels very expanded so I hope you will linger here a moment and enjoy the knowing that we have come here exactly to learn that we can have it “all”, whatever “all” is to each of us.

There is enough room in this creation for Spirit and for Chanel.

From the light within me, to the light within you.

To be continued…